After Thoughts and Other Struggles
by OriginalPippie
Summary: Bam struggles both physically and emotionally while recovering from an accident. He brings you, the reader, into his thoughts right as they occur to him.
1. Hospital stay

It all happened so fast that I really don't remember what happened. All I have left of what happened to me are quick flashes of moments that seem to be out of order. Or maybe they are in order. I wouldn't know because it's hard for me to make sense of things right now. I feel groggy and so… ow… Not even sure where I am. I mean I know I'm in the hospital but I don't know exactly where in the hospital. The last thing I remember seeing was the floor moving past me and the feet of one of the paramedics that was moving me on the gurney. It was so weird to see things from that view because normally, if I have to be brought into the hospital on a gurney, I'm staring up at the ceiling. But this time I was brought in lying on my stomach. I remember hearing bits and pieces of what the paramedics were saying about me as they pushed me through the hallway. They said something about me having to go to surgery. But I'm not sure if I've already been in surgery or even what I needed surgery for. Maybe it was my back because that's killing me right now. That would make sense because I was face down on the gurney. I think things are starting to come together now. I think. I'm so confused.

Someone just came into the room. Sounds like April. Maybe it's Missy. I have no idea. It's a female voice so it could be a nurse for all I know. I don't want to open my eyes right now to figure out who it is. My leg feels funny. Kind of like tingly. Tingly. Is that a word? Wait a second. Where did my other leg go? Oh there it is. Is that my other leg? Of course it is. Why am I having such a hard time controlling it? It's moving right? Oh how would you know? Wait. Who am I talking to? I must be going crazy. Well crazy for me. What the fuck did they give me? Ugh. I've got to stop asking questions.

I'm not sure what's going on right at the moment. I think I'm being moved somewhere. I know I'm awake right now but it hurts to open my eyes. This place is too damn bright. So I'm just going to pretend to still be asleep so I won't have to open my eyes. Or speak to anyone. As soon as I open my eyes I know I'm going to be bombarded by questions. Questions from the doctor. Questions from my parents. Questions from Missy. And then I'll have to turn around and answer the very same questions to other people. News people probably. But I can't be bothered now so I'm just going to lie here and continue pretending to sleep.

I guess while I was pretending to sleep I had actually fallen asleep. Must have been sleeping for a while. This room seems nice for a hospital room. I'm alone in here, which is good. I mean of course I knew that I'd be in a private room but there's no one else in here checking up on me or anything. My leg still feels funny. I can move it alright though. The other leg is another story. Not sure what's going on there. Fuck my fucking back. I need pain killers already. Where's the God damn call button when I need it? Aw shit I have to piss like a fucking race horse. I don't want to have to piss the bed. The bathroom is way over there though and I'm by myself. What happened to me waking up alone being a good thing? Oh right on time a nurse just walked in.

"Well good morning." She smiled at me

"Morning? How long was I asleep?" Man my voice seems kind of raspy

"You were in and out the whole night. I'm not surprised that you don't remember your wife spending time with you before visiting hours were over."

"My wife?" Oh fuck why'd I just try to sit up… that seriously killed "Missy was with me and I missed it." What's she doing to me right now? Checking my pulse or something? "Hey I gotta, um, well I'm about to piss on myself. Could you…"

"Oh of course. Hold on a second."

"Hurry! God damn…"

Wait what's she doing… dude what is that… it's cold. Well half of it is cold; the other half is just… kind of there… That's a bed pan isn't it? A bed pan? But the bathroom is right there. Why do I have to use a… Oh yeeeeeeah… This is kind of weird but it feels so good. Damn I didn't think I had to piss that much.

"So feel better now?" There's that smile again

"For the most part." Should I tell her about my legs? Ugh. And my back? "My back is really killing me actually. Is there anything you could do for that?"

Still with that smile. It's starting to bug me "I'll be right back with something that should make you feel better."

"Thanks."

And now she's gone. I wonder when she'll be back with some pain killers. Wonder if a doctor will come in with her. Maybe the doctor, if he comes, will talk to me in private. I need to know about some things. Like my legs. And how long I'll be here. And maybe if he can tell me why I needed the bed pan. My back is fucking burning. I feel like I'm going to cry any second now. That nurse better hurry up and get back here with those pain killers.

I'm starting to get kind of… angry. I'm part way between knowing what happened to me and not really remembering what exactly happened. And it's really frustrating. I still only have those out of order flashes. None of it is making sense yet. Why won't this weird feeling in my leg go away? Where did my other leg go again? Dude it was right here. I think. Well I see it under the blanket but nothing about it seems right to me. That burning in my back got worse. Where's the nurse at? No fuck that nurse, where's the doctor?

Alright now the nurse just came back in. Looks like she's got something… aw crap I think it's a needle. Ok get this over with. I can't watch you stick that in me. Are you done? Oh that was fast. What is this? What did she give me? Oh… oh wait… I recognize that now. Mmmm… morphine. I'm going to be feeling great in a minute. Oh look the doctor.

"So how are we feeling this morning?"

"Well… I'm fixin' to be feeling a lot better real soon here thanks to that shot I just got."

"Mmmhmm…"

Oh man should I tell him about my legs? I was hoping they'd start to feel normal by now. Maybe I won't have to tell him. What the hell dude? He just took the blanket off of my legs.

"I'm just going to test some things, Bam."

Test what things? He's like feeling me up or something. Now he has that little reflex hammer thing. That thing is so annoying. There he goes hitting my left leg.

"Reaction time is a little slow there. But not too bad."

He just hit my right leg. Was something supposed to happen? I didn't even feel him hit me. Must be the morphine.

"Hmm." He sounded concerned. I don't like this.

He's hitting the bottom of my left foot now.

"Ow…"

Ok yeah that hurts dude. Quit doing that. Did he just hit my right foot? Maybe he missed and hit the bed. He's frowning.

"Ok Bam can you try flexing your toes for me?"

Flex my toes. Gotcha. Alright here goes nothing. Well won't you look at that? The toes on my left foot are moving. Wait. I'm moving my right toes. I know I am. But they're not moving. What's going on here? I'm staring at my right foot now. I'm concentrating harder than I think I've ever concentrated on anything before. But nothing's happening. Come on stupid toes! Move! Fuck! Why aren't they moving? This is frustrating. Move God damn you! I'm getting really scared right now. I just realized that I can't feel or move my entire right leg. That can't be! No! Damnit! You move right now! No… I don't want to cry but I am. I just don't understand this. What's happening to me? Maybe this will pass. It'll pass, right? Man I don't like this at all. These tears won't stop falling. I think the nurse is trying to comfort me right now. I don't even hear what she's saying to me. Please stop touching me. Stop. Fucking stop! Please just leave me alone. I can't take this. I don't want you to comfort me right now. I just want to be able to feel my leg, you stupid bitch! I can't stop fucking crying. Now the doctor's trying to talk to me. I don't know what you're saying to me and I don't care. This has got to pass. It's got to! Oh God… it's not… No! No I can't deal with this. Please someone just kill me now! This can't be fucking real. It's not. I'm going to wake up any second now and I'll be at home in my own bed. All of this is just one big horrible dream. It's a dream! God no! I'm not waking up. Why? Fucking why?! I wish I had something that I could kill myself with. Someone please just take me out of this fucked up nightmare.

I'm so miserable right now. About an hour ago I was going through tests and scans or whatever they were doing to me. I hate my fucking legs. I hate my back. I hate my whole fucking life. My back injury paralyzed me. Paralyzed. That's the worst fucking word to me right now. Even worse; the fucking idiot doctors can't figure out whether this is temporary or not. They don't even know how long I'll be like this if it is temporary. I wish I had a gun. I'd go on a God damn rampage in the hospital. I was told that someone came to visit me a little bit ago. I turned them away. I don't care if it was Missy who wanted to visit me. I just hate the entire world right now. I want to die. Where's that gun? I need to put it in my mouth.

The doctor told me I should be grateful that I have feeling in my left leg. Grateful? How the hell can I be fucking grateful for this? Is he out of his mind? I'm still going to have to be in a wheelchair. Unless I want to drag my leg around behind me everywhere I go. I still won't be able to skate or anything. Fuck! Fucking feel something you God damn leg! I'm fucking hitting my leg right now. How am I supposed to live like this? This is one fucking cruel ass joke. I'm not laughing! Why am I still hitting my leg? I'll never feel it. I hate this useless leg. I hate it! I'm going to commit suicide as soon as I get home. This is bullshit. I can't take it. Why me of all people? Did I really deserve this? Alright! I'm sorry! Whatever I did wrong, whatever horribly fucked up thing I've done to deserve this: I'm sorry. Please God. Please just let me go back to how I was before. I admit it. I've fucked up things in my life. I've been the biggest asshole I can think of. I'm mean spirited. I've done so many mean things to people through my entire life, especially to my parents. I've even lost friends because of the way I am. I deserve to be punished for all of that. But why do I have to be punished like this? I hate you! I hate you for doing this to me!

I don't understand how one leg wound up paralyzed and not the other. I don't understand why I had to wind up this way. I don't understand why I had to be the one who had to suffer like this. I still don't understand or know what happened to me. Nothing makes any sense. Those flashes I have are still out of order. I just can't seem to figure out where the pieces go. I'd ask someone to help me sort things out but I've just been way too fucking miserable to be around anyone. I can't let anyone see me like this. I can't let anyone see me cry. Not that I'm ashamed to cry in front of people. I just don't want them to have to see how much pain I'm in. Right now the tears are just rolling down my face. I've stopped trying to control them. There's no point. I've never been in this much pain in my life. Emotional pain is so much worse than physical pain. That's probably partly because you know how to fix physical pain. I can't stand this. But there's nothing I can do about it. This is hell. There's just no way for me to escape it.


	2. I'm going home

Fucking awesome. I'm leaving this God damn place. It sucks so much being at the hospital. But it's going to suck even more being home. I'd almost rather that they would dump me out of the car and leave me sitting on the side of the road. That way I could drag myself over to the middle of the road and lie there just so I'd get hit by the cars that'll drive by. I need a drink so bad. I need about 50 drinks so I'll die of alcohol poisoning. At least I'd be numb to the pain before I die. Everyone around me is all smiling and talking to me all happy and excited because I'm going home. They're all so stupid. How can they act like that? How can they see how fucking miserable I am and still act like that? I hate them. I hate myself more. I haven't cried since yesterday. I'm too pissed to cry. I don't want to just kill myself any more. I want them all to die as well. Just because they are all happy and acting like me going home is the greatest fucking thing ever. Can't they see that I'm in no mood for anything right now?

The fucking nurse actually _smiled _as she brought the wheelchair in here. I wanted to strangle her until that smile flew off of her face. I don't want a fucking wheelchair! I just want my leg to work. Fuck! God damn you fucking useless leg!

"Bam what are you doing?"

What the fuck do you think I'm doing, Missy? I'm hitting my leg! Maybe it'll jumpstart it or something. Fuck! Why am I doing this? Get away from me you fucking bitch! Just leave me alone! I'm going to keep hitting my leg as long as I want to.

"Ow! What the fuck is the matter with you?"

"I was going to ask you the same thing! Don't push me away like that, Bam! I was trying to get you to stop hitting yourself, and don't roll your eyes at me!"

"Shut the fuck up!" I just hit my wife, didn't I? God I'm an even bigger fuck up than I thought I was.

"Don't you hit me again. _Ever. _Now you calm the hell down and let me help you in that wheelchair so we can go home."

"Leave. Me. Alone." 

"Fine. If that's the way you want it."

She actually left. I really hate myself. I can already see how things are going to go at home. She's definitely going to leave me. The worst part is, I don't care if she does. Oh God there's the wheelchair. It's like it's staring at me. It's staring into my soul. Someone please take that out of this room. I can't stand to look at it. Am I crying? Shit… I don't want to do this. But I have to.

"Missy!"

I can't control my tears. Everything's blurry. Please make this stop. Is that Missy? I don't care.

"Shh babe." I'm just clinging to her. "Babe I know it hurts right now." She's rubbing my back now. "Please try to calm down. Everything will be alright. I promise. I know you can get through this. It'll take time though." I'm starting to calm down but I'm still crying. "But for right now can you please let me help you in the wheelchair? Please?"

What choice do I have? I just pulled away from her and let some more tears fall. Ok. Ok. I can do this. Get in the chair. It's just a regular chair. A chair that moves. Just like an office chair. But with bigger wheels. Ok here I go. Oh God I can't do this. Why does this have to be so hard? It's just a chair… No… it's just my leg… My God damn leg.

Oh… shit… my back hurts now. I didn't realize that would put so much strain on it. Ugh… I guess I'll have to get used to it. Watching Missy physically move my leg into place for me is so depressing.

"Missy…"

"Hmm?"

"Is there really a need for my shoes?" I sound so quiet and pitiful.

"What do you want me to do with them? Put them in your lap?"

I'm looking into my lap "No…" Man I sound so pathetic that I want to kick my own ass.

But I can't even kick any more. Well not with both legs. I can't believe how fast I went from being angry as hell to very depressed. I can't even lift my head as we're going through the hallway. I don't even care what this place looks like. Right now all I want… all I want is my bed. And maybe a drink. It's going to be one long car right home. The worst part about all this is I still can't remember exactly what happened to me. I'm beginning to think that I'm never going to remember. It's so frustrating. I'm too embarrassed to ask other people what happened. Maybe I just don't want to know that I somehow caused this to happen to me.

Ok here we are at the car. Shit this is going to be tricky isn't it? Alright let's get this over with. Great the door's open so… now what? You mean the only one I have here to help me into the car is Missy? Are you kidding me?

"How do you want me to do this, babe?"

"I don't know. Whatever." My depression has been replaced by frustration. Great. "Help me into the car then put the chair in the back." Should be that simple, right?

That was the hardest fucking thing ever. I feel exhausted. My back hurts all over again. Missy just said I look "flushed". Why did that have to be so hard? Just get me home so I can go to bed. This is all too much for me.

Well here we go. I'm just trying to keep my focus on the window next to me. Not really looking at anything outside but I don't want to look at Missy. I don't know why either. Man she's talking non-stop. And I don't have any music to drown her out with. I never realized before how much Missy actually talks. The hell is she even saying? It's so hard to tune her out even with my ADD. How did I manage before and why does this time seem so different? Oh my God just shut up already! God damn. Every sentence that comes out of her mouth makes me even angrier than the last.

"… and you know I just realized?" Whatever. I don't care. "With all the stairs in the house we really should have ramps put in for your wheelchair."

_Ramps_?How dare she bring up ramps right now? That's the first time I ever despised that word. What a fucking bitch! I hate her so much. Just rub this in my face why don't you! She's yelling at me now. As if _she _has a reason to be mad at _me. _She's the one who had to bring up putting ramps in the house!

"Pull the fuck over right now!"

"Pull over? What are you gonna do?"

"Just pull the fuck over now!"

I want to hit her. But I already hit her once today. Why does she have to piss me off? Why did I start bitching at her over something like this? God fucking damn it! I'm so fucking pissed that I can't think straight.

"There I pulled over. Now what, Bam?"

"I'm getting the hell away from you!"

Alright. Suit yourself."

I hate her so much. I gotta get away from her so I can clear my head. Oh shit…

"What's the matter, Bam? I thought you were leaving."

Oh shit… I'm such a fucking idiot. I feel like ripping my hair out right now.

"AAAAAAHHH!!!!!!!!!!" I hate myself. "FUCK!!!!!!!!"

I don't think I ever screamed so loud in my life. What's the matter with me? I seriously want to kill myself right now. Even more than I did yesterday. Missy's just sitting there. I have my back to her but I feel her staring at me.

"Are you planning on shutting the door?"

"LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!"

The one time I wanted to leave more than I ever had before… and I can't. What am I supposed to do? Crawl along the side of the road? God why me? I never hated myself more than I do now. It just hurts so much. I can't take this. I can't. My stomach hurts. I can hardly breathe. My throat hurts from screaming so loud. I don't think I've ever cried this hard in my life. I want to die. Missy's still sitting thee. I hate myself. I hate myself. I want to kill the entire world. As soon as we get home I'm going to kill myself. I really mean that now. I just can't go on like this. Why is Missy still just sitting there? Maybe she hates me. I don't blame her. This is seriously the lowest point in my life. I just want it all to end. I wish I had a gun. I guess I'll have to settle for hanging myself. I can figure out a way to do that while sitting down. There's no way I'm going to get through this. Might as well end it all while I realize this. Otherwise I'll just continue to live this way. I can't allow myself to suffer like this for the rest of my life. I wasn't going to live long any way. Everyone else will understand. No one needs me around any more. Especially since I'm completely useless right now. Stuck in a God damn wheelchair. Complete emotional mess. I'll actually be doing everyone a favor by killing myself. That way they won't have to go through the burden of having to take care of me. They won't have to see me like this anymore. I need a drink so bad. Maybe I could just swallow a bunch of stuff. Pills or something. I think we have drain cleaner in the bathroom. I just don't want to live anymore. Why should I? There's no point.

Are we home ye? I think I'm starting to calm down. I still feel terrible. I'm still going to kill myself when we get home. Missy won't stop me. This car seems to be moving extremely slow. I gotta get out of here. I can't breathe. Oh God I can't breathe. My chest hurts. Did Missy stop the car again? Wait. Did she even start driving? I have no idea what's going on right now. What's around me? Oh shit what's that around me? Help! Get it off! Oh shit… oh… that's only Missy's arms. Ok. Ok. Starting to breathe normally now. Calming down. Oh shit. Oh wow. I never felt something like that before. And I never will again. She just kissed my head. Why would she do that? Why would she try to help me feel better? I feel like I need to lie down.

I think the car is moving again. Still seems really slow. Probably just the traffic. I need to get home. Can't be too far from home now. Where are we? Ok yeah I know where we are. Not far at all from home. I'll just close my eyes and relax until we get home.

I must have started to fall asleep because we're home already. Time went by real fast. What's Missy doing? She always takes forever to do anything. How long does it take to get a wheelchair out of the back of the car? God damn. Oh there she is. The fuck took so long? Whatever. Let's get this over with so I can kill myself. I'm in the chair now let me go inside by myself. Why does this chair have to be so hard to move? There it goes.

"Take me upstairs."

"Ok hold on."

Stairs. So many damn stairs. Why the fuck did I have to buy _this _house out of all the houses I looked at? Great we're finally at the top. The bathroom is just over there. I'm actually doing this. I'm in the bathroom now. Ok now what do I take? There's all kinds of pills in here. I can't reach them. Damn it. I'll just use something to knock the bottles down. Ahh my shoe will work. Let me just bed down and take my shoe off. Man…. I can't reach. No here we go. I'm stupid. I can bend my left leg. Ok got my shoe off. Yes! It worked. Now I just have to open a bottle and swallow the pills.

"Bam! What are you doing?"

Shit. She's yelling at me now. Don't take the pills from me! I need them stupid bitch. She's never yelled at me like this before. Oh man… I thought I was done crying in the car. Is she hugging me? She is. I can't do this now. I'm too exhausted and emotionally drained. I'm just going to go to bed.


	3. Shattered

Misery and melancholy. Two words that I really, _really_ hate. But that's all I've been feeling since I got out of the hospital. I still want to kill myself but I just don't have the energy to get out of bed. I hate feeling so depressed. But there's no point in me feeling any thing else. I haven't gotten out of bed at all. I haven't even gotten any sleep last night. First it was because my back hurt. Then it was because of how horrible I feel all over. Way too many thoughts were going through my mind and none of them were good. Missy just brought me something to eat but I just don't have an appetite. I don't even see why I should eat.

Man… my wheelchair is right there. Missy put it there so it would be "handy" for when I need to get out of bed. But what do I even need to get out of bed for? Damn it. Fuck you chair! I have to lie here and stare at it. I would turn over onto my other side but that would take way too much effort. Why should I bother? Stupid chair. I hope you roll away. I hope someone pushes you into traffic and you get hit by a semi truck. Why the hell am I talking to a chair? I'm not even talking… I'm losing my mind.

I wish I had a razor blade right here. I could slit my wrists and bleed to death right here in bed. That wouldn't take much effort at all. I don't even know what time it is right now. Wait. It's time to kill myself. Oh what-fucking-ever. It's not going to happen. As miserable as I am, as worthless as I feel, as much as I hate myself, as much as I think that I'm going to kill myself, it's not going to happen. I might eventually get enough energy and motivation to make another suicide attempt but when it comes down to it I'm not actually going to do it. God I hate crying… I'm such a mess. I still want to die. Please make this stop. It doesn't even matter if I wipe the tears away. They're just going to keep coming. Fuck me. All these fucking tears…

Oh great Missy just came in. I'm still fucking crying. I hate every single tear that falls from my eye. But I can't make them stop. What the hell is Missy doing? No get away from me! I don't give a fuck if snot is hanging out of my nose. Get that tissue out of my face. Fine. If I blow my nose for you like a little kid then will you leave me alone? There I blew my nose. Are you happy now? Oh Christ… Did I ask you to wipe my tears away? Why did you even bother to do that? I'm still crying for fuck's sake. Get away from me. Don't touch me. Stop touching me. Do you actually think you're comforting me right now? I'm depressed and I want to be left alone. Are you stupid? Leave me alone. Leave. Now. No! Damn it! You're doing the opposite of what I want. Please leave me alone. Oh hell… No. Get that fucking plate of food away from me. I'm not hungry. Yes I'm sure I don't want to eat. If I haven't eaten it when you first brought it to me then what makes you think I'm going to eat it now? Just get it out of here. And don't come back in. Please leave. Please leave. No I don't want to talk! Shut up. That's the last thing I want to do. You're never going to leave, are you? Maybe I should try to pretend to be asleep like I did in the hospital so you'll leave me alone. I don't want to talk! Can't you just get that into your head? Stop. Talking. Now. Don't touch me either. Quit. Leave. Well at least I've stopped crying. But now I'm pissed. Why can't you just leave me alone?

Thank God she finally got the hint and left. Oh she took the food with her. I don't know why she even bothered to bring it in here in the first place. Now I'm alone how I wanted it. I just have my thoughts and emotions to keep me company. And that God damn fucking wheelchair. I hate that wheelchair. Look at it. It's staring at me. I know it doesn't have eyes but trust me. It's staring. Taunting me. Fuck you chair. Fuck you in the ass with a ten foot rust and AIDS infected pole. Chairs don't have asses. And it wouldn't matter if they caught rust and AIDS. Fuck I'm cracking up. My back hurts. That pain snuck up on me. Fucking back. Fucking wheelchair. I hate me. I hope I somehow die in my sleep. God why'd you put me through this? Worst fucking thing ever. Why couldn't I be in a coma instead? That sounds nice right about now. That way I won't have to know what's going on with me. I could just lie there in the hospital bed until someone decided to unplug me from the machines. But no. I had to be stuck like this.

I could go for a drink right about now. Missy should have brought me a drink instead of food. God I hate that bitch so much. Don't get me started on how much I hate every single inch on her fucking body. She should have let me kill myself last night. All I had to do was swallow that bottle of pills and I would have been gone. But Missy had to go and ruin it for me. First she yelled at me then she hugged me. I just don't get her. I hate her. I hate everyone. Unless they'll let me kill myself. I need to get out of here. I don't care where I go; I just need to get away from everyone. Maybe I'd be able to clear my head if I'm by myself for a while. The thing is… I can't leave the fucking asshole wheelchair behind. I guess the only thing that I can do is stay here in bed. Maybe I can somehow knock the wheelchair over from here so I won't have to look at it. Yeah… I don't think that's going to happen. Someone knock me out. Shit. I don't even have that going for me.

Fucking wheelchair. I can't stand to look at it any more. Alright I think I can do this. I'm going to turn over now so I won't have to look at the chair. Ooooh…. Shit… that was harder than I thought it would be. My back. Ugh. Oh man this view isn't any better. Actually it's worse. I can see myself in the mirror. And the wheelchair in the background behind me. I look so pathetic. I hate myself even more. The sight of me in the mirror is making me very angry. God damn fuck me! I seriously wish I could kick my ass right now. Just look at that asshole pile of shit on the bed. How pathetic. You're pathetic! After seeing myself in the mirror I know now that I deserve to die.

"Go to hell asshole! Go to fucking hell! I HATE YOU!" I don't care if I'm starting to cry again. I'm so pissed off right now. "I want to die… I want to die so bad."

What am I supposed to do? Nothing. That's all I can do; nothing. I'm so useless. I'm so angry at my own reflection. I want to throw something at the mirror so it'll break. But I'm still staring at it. I just caught a glimpse of the wheelchair. It's over there just… mocking me. I swear I'm going to destroy it when I get the chance. Maybe I'll blow it up. That could possibly be the only thing that would cause me to crack a smile. God I hate this. As much as I hate the chair and want to destroy it I know at the same time that I can't get rid of it. I need it. FUCK! I'm getting out of here. Uh… after I sleep. I'm exhausted from all this anger.

Oh man… what time is it? Where did the clock go? Shit. Oh well. I don't really care. How long was I asleep? What's on me? Ugh. Stupid cat. Get your tail out of my face. How'd you even get in here? The door was closed. Missy probably let you in. Thanks a lot. Now I got cat hair in my mouth. Gross.

"Get out of here… stupid cat…"

Oh meow yourself. I had to shove you off of my face so I could breathe. Just go in the corner and lick yourself or something. I think some cat hair went down my throat. I hope I don't cough up a hairball now. What am I talking about? Where'd the cat go now? Great it's in the wheelchair. And I was thinking about maybe petting it. Now I can't even touch it because it's tainted. I'm going to burn that chair. I hate this room. Alright I'm leaving. Oh man the floor is farther down than I remembered. I can do this. Ok deep breath. I wonder if I should sit up first. I'm probably going to need a painkiller after this. No doubt. Ok so how do I do this? I guess I'll just start with my good leg here… That wasn't so bad. But how am I going to move my other leg? Shit… Come on let's go stupid leg. I need to get to the floor. Ok one two three move! Damn. I knew that wouldn't work. But I had to try any way. Well let's just try this again. Maybe I should just throw myself onto the floor. As long as I don't land on my back I should be fine. Why don't I just do that? Well shit I'm doing that.

Here we go… Here goes nothing… Why am I stalling? Dude I've got to get some balls. This is ridiculous. All I have to do is throw myself off of the bed and onto the floor. I've jumped off of fucking buildings before. What's the matter with me? I'm really getting on my nerves. Just fucking do it already you pussy! Great I'm almost on the floor. I should just drop completely. Oh that wasn't so bad. Why was I so scared about that for? Well… I'm on the floor so… now what? There's the cat staring at me from the chair.

"Were you watching me the whole time?"

Oh yeah just sit right there in the wheelchair and stare at me like I'm weird. I'm just a guy sitting on his bedroom floor. What's so weird about that? Well now comes the hard part. I've got to crawl out of here. That sounds like… it's going to take a lot out of me. But I've got to get the hell out of this room. I can't stand it in here any more. Too bad I don't still have Murph. I could talk him into pulling me out of here or something. I guess I've got to do this all by myself, especially since the cat is of no help. Alright I'm just going to reach out and drag myself forward. This is going to be so hard. Oh my Gooooooooood….

"Aaaaaaahhhh… fuck that hurts." Ok maybe new plan.

"What are you doing?" I wonder how long she was standing there.

"I'm leaving the room."

"Then why don't you get in the wheelchair?"

"I don't want to use the wheelchair."

"So you're just going to slowly drag yourself across the floor?"

"Yeah. Unless you have something better. Besides I won't be able to wheel myself downstairs in the wheelchair."

"Alright that's a good point. But let me help you at least."

"No! I don't want help. Leave me alone."

"Alright. If you're sure."

"Yes! Now move out of my way."

I can't believe she's letting me do this my way. I actually thought that she would be trying to help me the whole time but she backed off. Well let's see if I have all the strength that I need for this. I'm going to need it. The good part is I can actually move my left leg. That way I won't have to drag both of them behind me. I might not need as much strength as I originally thought. I've moved a couple feet all ready and Missy still isn't helping me. Wow I'm moving. I'm kind of… crawling. Well my right leg is kind of just there, like dead weight. Well that's what it is actually. I'm at the door already.

Well now I made it out of the door and I'm on my way over to the top of the stairs. Oh shit… how am I supposed to get down the stairs? I really didn't plan any of this out. I'm an idiot. Here I am at the stairs. I need to rest. I already feel real tired. I'll just sit here on the top step and catch my breath.

"Are you _sure _you don't need my help, Bam?"

"I'm… fine."

"Well ok…"

No I'm not. Why am I doing this again? I should just go back to bed. No I made it this far I should keep going. But how am I going to get downstairs? I got it. I'll just grab the railing for support and kind of scoot down one step at a time on my ass. Worth a try. Sounds better than rolling down the stairs. For once. I don't think I could afford to hurt my back any worse than it already has been. Don't want to risk causing my other leg to become paralyzed. All right well I got to stop thinking about it and just do it. Here I go. There's one step. Not too bad. Another step. Doing all right. Another step. Still doing pretty good. Here goes a couple more steps. Oooooohhh… This is tiring. I can't believe it. Almost at the bottom. Oh man I just know Missy is up there watching me. This has got to look so stupid. Got to keep going I'm almost there. One more step… and… made it! Oh God that was a little harder than I thought. I feel sweaty. Ew. Let me just catch my breath here and then I… well shit. Now what am I supposed to do now that I'm down here? I feel so stupid now. God damn.

Oh man she hugged me. Why? "Bam I'm so proud of you."

Yeah whatever. You're proud of a complete idiot. A complete idiot with only one good leg. Congratulations. I'm not proud of myself at all. How can I be? It's not like I walked down here under my own power. I hate this feeling. I feel worse than shit. I feel worse that a pile of shit that has been buried under a pile of rocks and dirt. I hate me. Oh God… fucking tears again. I hate crying especially in front of Missy. Why am I crying? I hate this so much. Why do I have to be so emotional? I just want to stab myself right now. Missy's hugging me again.

"Bam it's ok." No it's not. "It's ok." It will never be ok. "What's the matter?" Why do you have to try to comfort me? I hate you. "Bam? Please tell me what the matter is."

"I DON'T KNOW!"

I keep fucking crying today. What a fucking crybaby pussy. Oh shit… oh man… I can't take this… These fucking tears won't stop. I hate myself so much. I just want to die already! Why can't I just die? Maybe I'm already dead. That's it. I'm dead. And this is hell. I'm in fucking hell. I have to be. I wish I could get out of here. If I'm dead then I want to be alive. Please just end this. God if I'm dead and this is hell please end this for me. Please forgive me for everything I did to deserve this. I can't take this any more. Please just give me my life back. Please let me go back to how things were before I came here to hell. There's no way I really deserve this. This has got to be a mistake. I'll do whatever it takes for you to forgive me, God. Please. What did I do? I swear I'll fix it. I'll fucking change! You've got to believe me, God. No… No! My leg… I still can't feel my leg… why are you doing this to me? God why?

"WHY?! God why?!"

"Bam shh… Babe please try to calm down…" I can't calm down. God hates me.

"Please God… P-pl-eee-eease… What do I have to do? I don't deserve this…"

"No Babe you don't." I'm not talking to you! "This won't be for forever." How do you know? "You just have to hang in there and believe that you'll get better." I can't… "Please just try to calm down. Babe I know this is hard. It's hard enough to watch you go through it. But sitting here crying isn't going to fix anything." Just hold me.

The only thing that'll get me to stop crying is if my leg were to work. But I'll settle for you holding me. That's all I've got right now.


	4. Depression

Well here I am downstairs on the couch. Doing nothing. There's a plate of mostly picked over food near by me. It's been sitting there completely untouched for the past ten minutes or so. The only time I actually half assed ate any of it was when Missy fist brought it to me. The thing is I actually _asked _her to bring it to me. But as soon as I had the food in front of me my appetite went away. I just feel… way too depressed to eat anything. But at least I tried to eat a little bit today unlike yesterday where I pretty much refused to eat. Today is definitely a bad day for me but yesterday felt so much worse. I don't remember ever feeling that depressed or being that over emotional in my life. Depression is the worst thing ever, especially when it hits you extremely hard all at once. The weird thing is, yesterday I forced myself to come downstairs but today I've been forcing myself to_ stay _downstairs. All I want to do right now is go to bed. I actually want to sleep. I want to feel safe and warm under the covers like I'm in a big cocoon. And I don't want to get up again until tomorrow. But it's the middle of the afternoon and I'm supposed to do stuff today. Oh man I don't want to do any of it. Please don't make me. Maybe I can pawn it off on someone else. Shit…

Now I gotta get up. I gotta _go. _My wheelchair is right there but just out of my reach. Damn it. Where'd Missy go? Did she move my chair on me? What the hell?

"Missy?" Oh great. Where is she? "Missy?" I feel like I'm going to piss myself if she doesn't get here soon. "Missy!"

"Alright! What is it?"

"I have to piss."

"You were calling me for _that_?_" _

Please don't piss me off when I have to piss. "I need _help._" Bitch.

Hurry the fuck up and get me to the bathroom already. Is this how it's going to be from now on? Ok I'm in my chair. Thanks a fucking lot for nothing. Hopefully I'll make it to the bathroom on time. I hate this wheelchair. Some reason I can't get it to move very well. I guess I just don't understand how to actually maneuver it. Well I made it here. Now I have to fucking sit down to take a piss like a girl. I don't know what's worse; this or the bed pan. Either way I would be humiliated if someone caught me. I knew it was going to be hard being in a wheelchair. But I just didn't realize how much in my life would actually be affected by me simply being in a wheelchair. I can't even fucking go to the bathroom without problems.

Alright well I went to the bathroom and now I'm back at the couch. I feel angry… and hungry. But the plate of food is gone. Missy must have taken care of it. Now I have to go into the kitchen to get something to eat. Oh man I just know that by the time I get there I'm not going to be hungry any more. But if I stay here I'm going to still be hungry and I'm going to sit here feeling and hearing my stomach growl and that's going to make me upset. Maybe I should go into the kitchen and stay there? Aw shit how am I supposed to get around through the kitchen? How am I supposed to reach anything in the cupboards? I hate this fucking wheelchair. It makes me not able to do anything in my own house. I want to go to bed. I don't have to do anything in bed.

I'm still hungry. The kitchen seems so far away. I haven't even gotten out of my chair yet. I wish I had a trained monkey to do things for me. How cool would that be? I'd make it fetch something for me and then throw peanuts at it. But I don't have a monkey. I don't even think we have peanuts. I wonder if I could train the cats to fetch for me. Oh speaking of the cats… Nice of you to stop by. Did you actually want to cheer me up or are you sitting in my lap out of pity? You just wanted someone to pet you, is that it? Stupid cat. Oh well I love you anyway and you know it. You practically force people to love you. This is how you get us. You sit in our laps and stick your face in our face to show how cute you are. And you make us pet you all the time. Damn it, it worked. You know it did. Oh yeah I'm surprised you're staying on my lap like that. I thought for sure that as soon as I started moving this wheelchair you'd jump down. Maybe you're going to wait until I get near your kitty food bowl. Well then if that's the case, you and I can eat together.

Well we're here in the kitchen, kitty. You're still on my lap. I'm actually amazed by that. Now that I'm here… what do I want to eat? Let's just look into the fridge here. Hmm… Not really seeing much of anything. There's beer but I'm hungry and I don't feel like drinking. Well shit. I don't think I'm going to find anything in here. What about the cupboards? Oh look you finally decided to get off my lap. I see you found your food bowl. What now kitty? Oh it's empty. Where's the cat food? Oh here it is. Hope you're really hungry because you're getting a lot of food. Oops… Oh Missy will clean that up. Now to feed myself. Well there's the cupboards. The cupboards that I can't reach. Fuck. Hold on let me just shift my position in my chair here. I keep forgetting I can use my left leg. Well that _helped _but not quite enough. I got the cupboard open at least. Where's my trained monkey when I need it? Man I can't even get myself something to eat. I feel like such a loser. What the hell did Missy do with that plate of food? If I could just get a little more reach…

"What are you doing?"

"What do you think I'm doing?"

Thanks for getting that down for me. I almost had it. "Why are you in the cereal cupboard for?"

How stupid is that? "I'm hungry…"

"I brought you a plate of food earlier, why didn't you eat it then?"

"I lost my appetite. But I'm hungry now. Where are the bowls?"

"Where they always are, babe."

Ugh. That means they're in a different cupboard that I can't reach. Wow before I can even look at her to ask her to get a bowl down for me, she has a bowl in her hands. Now that's service.

"You sure you don't want something other than cereal?"

"Um… I didn't really see anything else to eat."

"Babe there's tons of things to eat. All you have to do is look in the fridge and pick something."

"I did that but I didn't see anything I wanted. Could you bring me the milk?"

"Get it yourself."

Geeze… Must be on the rag. Now I gotta go all the way back to the refrigerator just to get the milk.

"And do you expect me to clean that cat food?" I thought she was out of the room. I almost dropped the milk on the floor.

"Uh…"

"Bam please clean the cat food off the floor when you're done eating."

"Yes sir."

What a bitch. Nag nag nag. She never was quite this bad before. I'm going to take some pills after this. I need to knock myself the fuck out. Or die. I never thought that something as simple as getting a bowl of cereal would be so aggravating. Alright well I'm like half way through this bowl of cereal and I'm looking at the cat food mess on the floor. Missy actually expects me to clean that up? I hope she knows that I have to bend down real far from my chair to clean that. I can't bend very far without hurting my back. I really hate her right now. How the fuck am I going to clean up that cat food? I'm not going to. The cats will get hungry enough to eat it all. I used to do that with Murph all the time. Animals don't care if their food is on the floor. They lick themselves all the time. Especially cats. Hell the next time one of the cats has a big haggard hair ball I'm making Missy clean it up.

I think I need to get some fresh air. It suddenly got very stuffy in here. Moving my wheelchair is getting a little easier for me to do. I don't know if that makes me happy or upset. Well I guess it kind of makes me both. I'm happy because I'm able to get around on my own. I'm upset because I don't want to be used to having to depend on a fucking wheelchair to get around. I hate this wheelchair so damn much. I'm going outside. Fucking stuffy ass house. It's kind of hard to breathe right now. Maybe that's not just from being in the house. I don't really care. Alright I'm outside. I'm still having trouble breathing. What the hell is going on? I don't have asthma and I really don't know what it would be like but right now this is what I would imagine what a small asthma attack would feel like. My breathing just got worse. I wonder if this is what Ville goes through. My God I can't breathe… oh shit… I can't breathe. This is just like in the car! Oh no oh no! I'm freaking the fuck out! Oh my God I need to lie down. Why can't I breathe? Something wet is going down my face. What is that? Is it raining? Am I crying? Oh my God. Oh my God. Someone please help me! Did Missy just come out here? I hope that wasn't my imagination. No that is Missy. Ok I'm starting to breathe better now. Shit. I'm so fucking scared. I don't understand why I'm feeling this way. What's wrong with me? Ok ok I've got to calm down. Missy's starting to help me calm down now. That feels good. I like how she rubs my back like that. That really does help. I'm feeling a lot better now.

"You alright now babe?" All I can do is nod. She kissed my forehead. "Good. Don't scare me like that any more."

You were scared?! How do you think I felt? I don't understand what just happened to me. What caused me to have a panic attack like that? Oh man I'm still crying. I really hate my life. Right now I really wish that I was never born. I don't know what to do any more. I should just go to bed. Why am I still crying?

"Babe what's wrong?" I don't know. "Why are you crying?" I don't know!

The tears are just falling; I have no control over them. How am I supposed to tell her why I'm crying if I don't even know why I am? God I hate this so much. Why do I have to be so God damn emotional? Fuck. I can't even control my emotions. I'm going back inside. I just want to be left alone. But I have the feeling that Missy is going to follow me around and keep trying to get me to talk to her and shit like that. I don't want to talk. I've got nothing to talk about.

If she knew what went on in my mind half the time since my accident she would hate me. It would kill her. She doesn't need to know about how much I hate myself and want to kill myself. She doesn't need to know about how much I've been hating her as well. I hate everything about my life and everyone who's in it with me. I just want everyone and everything to go away. Fuck I hate this fucking house and every fucking asshole stair. Why'd I have to be in a wheelchair? I just want to get to my room… I always find myself in this dilemma anymore. I hate everyone and want them to all leave me alone but I need them to help me get around. I really wish I didn't need them but what am I going to do? Fuck you stairs. I wish I had an elevator. That's what this house needs. Elevators. Didn't Missy say something about ramps being built? Doesn't seem like that's going to happen. Damn it. I need help. Otherwise I'm going to have to sleep on the couch. I hate sleeping on that couch. I can't stretch out all the way and I fall off of it easily. Plus I have to be around other people. Oh here's Missy.

"Sorry about the stairs, Bam. I need to get Glomb on the phone so he can come over here to make ramps for you. I don't want someone like Shitbirds to do it."

"Fuck Shitbirds. He fucks things up and steals my beer."

"I know. That's one reason why I want Glomb to do it."

What the… Are we at the top of the stairs already? By golly we are. Why didn't it seem to take as long this time? Must be getting used to it already. Weird. Oh well.

"Is there anything else you need help with while I'm here?"

"No thanks."

"Are you sure? I could…"

"I'm fine. Thanks." Now leave me alone.

Oh shit. My back hurts like hell. It's been really tender lately. I hope it won't hurt as bad once the ramps get put in. I think going up and down the stairs has been putting a lot of strain on my back. I'll be glad once this pain is gone. What the fuck caused it to be like this any way? I still can't fucking remember what the hell happened to me. Obviously there was some sort of accident that really injured my back right on the lower part of my spine. But I just can't figure out what this accident was or what caused it. It could have been a number of different things but I don't want to guess what happened. I want someone to tell me but I don't want to ask anyone at the same time. Maybe I don't want to know what happened to me. No one has really talked about it to me. They're all just concentrating on the fact that I'm in a wheelchair. Man… I hate these pills they gave me. They make me kind of loopy, but not exactly in a good fun kind of way. More like in a I have no clue what's going on around me kind of way. So I'll just cut one in half. Nah on second thought my back doesn't hurt enough to take anything. If I had it up here I would just take a shot of whiskey to help me sleep. But then I would have to go all the way downstairs, get the whiskey and take a shot, and then get Missy to bring me back up here. And it's not that big of deal. I'll just get into bed here, pull the covers over me and stare off into space for a while until I drift off to sleep. That sounds like the best thing for me to do right now. I don't have to do anything.


	5. Sleep and devistation

This seems so familiar. I feel like I'm moving very fast and yet everything else around me is moving real slow. I can't explain that at all. Am I on a skateboard? That's impossible. I've got to be in my wheelchair. Holy shit that _is _a skateboard. How the hell is this happening? Man I feel like this happened before. Who just called my name? What? Who is that over there? I can't believe I'm skateboarding. This can't be real. What the hell did he just say? Watch out for what? Where am I? What the hell are you saying to me dude? What do you want me to watch out for? There isn't even anything in front of me. I don't get it. Where'd my skateboard go? Why am I suddenly on the ground? Everyone's watching me. The hell just happened? I can't feel anything but some reason I know I should be in pain. Who is that guy staring at me? Dude that's a paramedic. Everyone looks weird. Everyone sounds weird. It's like they're far away but real close to me at the same time. I just don't understand what's happening. This can't be real. I know it's not real. But it oddly feels real. Am I supposed to be seeing myself like that? Oh wait now I don't see myself. This isn't making sense at all.

Oh man… I hate waking up from dreams. That wasn't just any dream. This was some of the same flashes I've been having except I dreamt them and there was more to them this time. But there's still parts missing so I still don't know what happened. The only thing that's clear to me now is something happened while I was skateboarding and I wasn't alone when it happened. But what the fuck happened? The worst part about waking up from that dream is the fact that I just remembered that I'm still paralyzed. Why did I have to wake up? It's so dark in here. I can't even see what time it is. I think Missy must have moved the clock because it's normally on my side and I don't see it right now. Fuck. Now I can't get back to sleep. That dream is going to be on my mind now. Holy shit what just landed on the bed? Oh… it's just the cat. Scared the shit out of me. Ugh. Why must you always get in my face like that? Go away. No go away kitty. Get your face out of my face. No I'm not playing. Did you just bite me? Stupid cat. Please just go away. Alright fine you can lie on my stomach. Just leave me alone. I'm never going to get to go back to sleep. Why the hell did I have to wake up for? And of course Missy has to be sound asleep just to make me feel worse. Yeah you just go ahead and keep sleeping, bitch. I'm only laying here wide awake with a cat curled up on my stomach while you're sleeping. I hate you even more now. I should take my pillow and smother you with it. But I'd have to disturb the cat.

These images just won't get out of my head. It's kind of disturbing. And very annoying. All I want to do is go to sleep but these images won't let me. I don't know what's worse; the fact that I keep seeing these images and now remember a little bit of what happened to me, or the fact that I still can't remember what happened despite these new images. Either way I can't fucking sleep. And seeing Missy sleep is making me angrier and angrier. I seriously hope you die in your sleep. What's the matter with me? God I've got to get to sleep. This is getting ridiculous. Am I just thinking about it too much? Oh man… maybe I should fix myself a drink. That'll at least help get things off of my mind. Then I'd be able to get back to sleep. Ok get off of me kitty I'm getting up. Great now I can't see where my wheelchair is. Now I gotta reach in the dark for it. Oh there it is. I didn't even hit my hand on it either. Now all I gotta do is sit up and get in it without disturbing Missy. That's probably easier than it sounds. Ok I'm sitting up. Let me just carefully get into the wheelchair and hopefully not fall on my ass instead. This is tricky enough to do in the daylight. It's even trickier to do when it's pitch dark in the room. Sometimes I hate the night. This is one of those times. Well I'm in the chair and I didn't make that much noise doing it either. Now to quietly wheel myself out of the room. Very hard to do when I can't see where I'm going. At least I've gotten used to moving the wheelchair.

I'm so glad Glomb built these ramps. He built them real fast too. Didn't take him nearly as long as I thought he would. It's kind of funny how he told me he wasn't sure how he was going to go about building them since he's never built this kind of ramp before. He was glad to build them for me. And actually for the first time since my accident I was glad that someone helped me with something. But I didn't admit it except for a quiet "thanks" when he was done. If I had Shitbirds and the other idiots attempt to build me ramps they'd still be in the middle of barely getting started on it. Which is why I don't like to hire them for stuff like this any more. Why does my family have to be filled with a bunch of lazy loads of fuck? The most effort they ever put into jobs is opening a beer and lifting it to their lips. I drink too but, come on. I get work done while I'm drinking. And speaking of drinking… what do I want? There's plenty of Red Bull and vodka here but I want to go to sleep, not stay awake. Ah good old Jack Daniels. Never let me down. A couple shots of this should do the trick. I don't feel like looking for a shot glass. Oh well I'll just drink straight from the bottle. I actually didn't want a shot anyway. Some reason drinking straight from the bottle tastes so much better. I better put this back before I get carried away with it. Don't want to wind up drinking the whole bottle. Eh one more sip won't hurt. That was a bigger sip than I wanted to take. Oops. Oh well. Ok that should do the trick. I think I'm ready to go back to bed now. Hopefully by the time I get back up to the room I'll feel tired enough to sleep.

Glomb you are my new hero. Great job on these ramps. Maybe I'd keep these ramps in the house for a while after I can walk again. If I can walk again. It will be fucking awesome to ride down these ramps on a skateboard. I can just picture that now. Just like I thought having these ramps really helped with my back. Really took a lot of strain off of it. Plus I don't have to rely on Missy to get me up and down the stairs anymore. Looks like she didn't even move at all since I left. It still annoys me how she's asleep like that. Look at her lying there all snug and safe in her own little dream world. I really want that dream world to turn into the worst nightmare ever. I should just strangle her. Yeah, just slowly reach out in the dark and wrap my hands around her neck and just nicely squeeze the life out of her. Just like a scene in a horror movie. I hate her. Why does she have to be asleep? I think that alcohol made me angry. That's not good. That's not what I wanted to feel right now. I wanted to feel tired. Why haven't I gotten out of my wheelchair yet? I've got to get back to sleep. Ok back in bed. Covers pulled up and around me. Ah it's nice and warm. I'm no longer angry. This is nice. The alcohol definitely helped a lot. I feel like I can sleep now.

I managed to sleep the rest of the night, which is good. I'm kind of tired though and I still have those same images on my mind. One thing that bothers me about those images now is I don't know who that other person was. That person who was telling me to watch out. Who the hell was that? What was he telling me watch out for? I'm missing some real important pieces there. Thinking about this is starting to give me a headache. But I've got to fucking figure this out. I need to know what happened to me in between the time when that guy told me to watch out and when I was lying on the ground with the paramedic taking care of me. Maybe it's one of those things that I'm not supposed to know. Like my mind purposely blocked that part out because if I remembered it I would have a much harder time during my recovery. But what could be harder than what I've already been going through? Maybe I'm just thinking too much about all of this. I can't help it though. My whole situation has my mind racing. I need to go outside.

Yeah I know the last time I went outside I had that panic attack. That was horrible. And kind of hard to get over actually. I don't think that the fact that I was outside was what caused my panic attack because it really started when I was still inside. I feel fine now so I should be ok outside. It's such a nice day out here. Ok I don't feel like a panic attack is coming on yet so I should still do fine. The sun is nice and warm. Kind of bright but still nice. I love it out here. Especially up here on the deck. I can see the whole yard from here. The grass could look better… well there could actually be grass I should say. But tearing up the yard with four wheelers is too much fun. The pool looks gross right now. I wouldn't be able to go swimming anyway. I don't know if I'd even be able to swim, let alone walk. I wish I could walk so bad. I've been trying lately to act like I've gotten better about being in a wheelchair but it still bothers me. It hurts a lot. This is the sort of pain that just won't go away no matter how hard I try. I still want to die. I still cry but only when I know I'm alone. There's just nothing I can do to feel better. The only thing that will make me feel better is if I could walk again. This really sucks so much. Hell that doesn't even cover it. I've never been though depression like this before. No matter what I do or how I appear on the outside, I'm just miserable all the time. I feel like I let myself down but I have no idea what I did. Why can't I remember? Why do I have to make myself cry? Why can't I just walk? I hate being so miserable but there's nothing I can do about it. There's just absolutely no way I can be happy about anything any more. Not as long as I'm in this chair.

That's it. I can't take this anymore. I'm going to end this right now. The tears are still falling but I don't care any more. I've managed to get myself out of the chair and onto the railing of the deck. It doesn't seem like a real far way down right now. But hopefully the landing will have a big impact on me. Maybe the ground will be hard enough to break my neck. Or maybe there's something that will cause my head to spilt open. Alright I have both legs hanging over the side of the railing. All I have to do is push myself off. Here I go. Goodbye you fucking shit hole. Thanks for nothing.

"Oh my God Bam! What are you doing?!"

Fucking… ass. Let go of me! No! I can't live any more you stupid bitch!

"Bam please don't do this. It's not worth it."

Bullshit. Why should I allow myself to keep suffering like this? I can't do this any more. I can't. Don't you understand? Please just let me go.

"I'm not going to let you go, Bam. I'm not. There's no way I'm going to let you go just so you can kill yourself. I love you, Bam."

Fuck. Why'd she have to say that for? I hate her. I don't want to feel anything for her anymore. It would make it too hard if I felt something.

"Look at me, Bam." No. "Bam please look at me." No. "Babe please." Why should I?

"Let me go." Bitch.

"No, Bam."

"Let me go!"

"No!"

God damn it! Dude. She hit me. She actually fucking hit me. I wasn't pissed until now.

"Don't fucking hit me!"

"YOU HIT ME FIRST YOU FUCKING BITCH!"

I've never been this angry in my entire life. We never fought like this before. The fights I've had with Jenn got pretty bad but I was hardly the one who got physical no matter how mad I was. I never thought I'd be hitting my wife. I never thought my wife would be hitting me. The only thing about this fight is she can easily get up and get away from me. But she's not. It's like she wants to stay at my level. She wants to fight me. I never fought anyone like this before. Fuck. Ow! I never thought she would his so hard. I guess I shouldn't underestimate her or anyone else. I've never seen her so angry at me. Fucking bitch. Fucking bitch go to hell! I don't fucking believe this. She has me fucking pinned down. Of all the times for me not to be able to control my legs. I could kick my way away from her right now but she's kneeling on my good leg, making it feel even more like its asleep. Aah! Fuck! I would have spit in her face right then because that's all I can do right now, but she hit me really hard. I think my nose is bleeding. I feel kind of dizzy now.

"You fucking bitch! I think you broke my nose!" Great. _Now _she gets off of me.

"Yeah well you deserve it."

What the hell? She just left. Asshole. Now I'm lying here with a possibly broken nose. I'm bleeding and too hurt to get to my wheelchair. The least she could do was make it closer to me so I could reach it. That was the craziest fucking thing that ever happened to me. God fuck my nose is bleeding still and it's hard to breathe from it. What's she going to do? Leave me out here to bleed to death? I can't believe it. I'm so pissed off right now that I'm crying. I wish I could reach my wheelchair. God damn. Missy looks tiny as hell but she really packs a punch. Those rings don't help either. I just got the shit kicked out of me by my wife. There's no way I'm telling anyone about this. I just hope she doesn't tell anymore. Wow. I just… wow. Can't stop crying. Ok yeah she just tossed a hand towel at me.

"There. So you don't get blood everywhere. Crybaby." Gee thanks.

Why is she being so mean to me? She just kicked my ass and I don't even know if I deserved it. Fuck. I'm just trying to stop my nose from bleeding. Missy called me a crybaby. What an asshole. So I'm crying. Big fucking deal. Does that make me a fucking crybaby? God damn. I hate her even more now. Why am I still just sitting here? I really hate feeling this way. This moment right now is the absolute worst moment ever. If someone else was around right now I would be beyond humiliated. If I didn't want to kill myself before this happened, I truly want to kill myself now. Seriously. I can't stand this. I'm so angry and… devastated at the same time. I should just rip my dick off and grow a vagina. Why did this have to happen? I fucking hurt all over. Ooooooooohhhhhhhh my God…

"Fucking hell!"

That really fucked up my back getting into my chair. If I was a horse someone would have shot me by now. That would be so much better than having to go through this bullshit. Ok my nose finally stopped bleeding. Shit. It still hurts so bad. I don't think it's broken any more though. But damn… I really wish I could die. I need to stop crying but I can't. I don't need Missy fucking calling me a crybaby anymore. Why did that hurt so much? Crybaby. What the hell does she expect me to do right now? She didn't say any thing about it when ever I was crying other times. What a fucking bitch. How could she do this to me? Sure I've been in fights before but not like this. Of all the things to happen to me right now why did it have to be this? I wouldn't feel so bad if it was anyone else to beat me up. But why did it have to be her? This is so hard… Did I really deserve this? I don't know what to do. Oh God… should I… press charges? That was assault right? It was spousal abuse… This is so backwards. It's fucked up either way. What am I going to do? How am I supposed to get over this? I can't stop crying. I don't even want to go inside. I can't believe this… I'm too scared and upset to go inside my own house to face my wife. The worst part about this is… it wasn't my fault. I didn't do anything and yet I'm being made to feel like I did. My stomach hurts. My throat hurts. My nose hurts. My face hurts. My back hurts. Everything hurts. But I think the thing that hurts the most right now… is my pride.

Son of a bitch it's starting to rain. Fuck you asshole rain. Now what the hell am I supposed to do? I don't want to stay out here and get rained on but I really don't want to go inside. Fuck! It's raining harder now. I hate rain. I'm trapped out here now. And I'm getting wet. Mother fucker. This is bullshit. I can't stand it out here any more. I feel like such a pussy for not being able to face Missy. But if I stay out here any longer I'll be a… well… soaking wet pussy. I'm way too upset to laugh at that right now. God damn it. I'm going to have to man up enough to go back and face her…


	6. Deserve

I feel so ashamed. I can't stop crying. What a fucking little pussy. I might as well be a woman. I moved into one of the other bedrooms because I can't be around Missy after what she did to me. She destroyed the last shred of pride I had left. Why did this have to happen to me? I don't even try to stop the tears any more. All I've been doing in here is lie in bed and cry. I wind up crying myself to sleep and right when I wake up I start crying again. I'm just waiting for death to come and take me away. But I know I'll be waiting for a long time because death won't want to bother with taking a complete pussy crybaby like me. I hate myself for crying so much but what else am I going to do? I just want to die so bad. I've never felt this ashamed in my life. Do I deserve this? I wish I was able to fight back more. What if she does this to me again? I couldn't take it. I can't take it now. I'm so scared. What am I going to do? Should I ask for a divorce? Should I talk to the cops? No. I can't. Both of those things would mean having to talk to someone else about this. There's no way I can talk to someone. I can't even tell my parents. I'm so weak and pathetic.

The only good thing that happened to me since I came in this room was the fact that there's a lock on the door that locks on the inside of the room. No one can get in and I'm not getting out. No way in hell am I leaving this room. I just can't face anyone. Especially Missy. I can't ever be around her again. I hope she hates me. I hope she stops caring about me as a person. I hope she walks away and leaves me here without even stopping to think things over. Because I just can't allow myself to be… wanted. I can't be around her at all. It's way too painful. I'm way too ashamed of myself. I feel like I should feel this way. I deserve this. I deserve to be treated like the little bitch that I am. I deserve the beating that I received. I deserve a ton of abuse from her. From everyone. I'm a total disgrace to my entire family. I'm a total disgrace to the entire world. I wish the ceiling would crash down on top of me. I would hang myself in here but I just don't have the energy to do anything. I'm surprised I haven't drowned on my own tears by now. The room should be filled with them.

I think it's raining. But I can't be bothered with looking out the window. There's nothing outside worth me looking at anyway. If I died in here no one would even miss me. They probably wouldn't even notice. I've caused everyone I ever tried to care about nothing but shame. They'd all be relieved once I die. They probably won't even have a funeral for me. It wouldn't be worth it. Not even if they just got together to laugh at me and the fact that I'm finally gone out of their lives. They'd be more than glad to leave my dead body to rot in this room. I bet April wishes she had an abortion when she found out she was pregnant with me. I wouldn't blame her at all if she did. I would have had an abortion if I was her. There was no point for me to even be alive any way. Every one would get along just fine without me. Hell their lives would be so much better without me. All I've ever done was fuck things up for everyone. I'm just a useless pile of shit. No. I'm not even worthy of being a useless pile of shit. I deserve another beating. Everyone in the world should line up at the door to just kick my ass one by one until I'm dead. I hope I go to hell. That would be so much better than this.

I need to die. Why can't I die already? God must hate me a lot because he's making me suffer so much. Please God just let me die already! I just don't deserve to live any more. I should have never lived at all. At least give me enough strength and energy to get out of bed so I can kill myself. I don't care about my leg not working any more. I don't care that I don't remember what happened to me. I just don't care. All I've got to do now is kill myself. Please just let me be able to do that. That's all I want. Please. I just can't do this any more. I shouldn't have to. Why are you making me suffer? There's no point. There's no reason why I should be here any more. There's no point… for me. What reason could you possibly have for keeping me around?

I am no longer a man. I am just a shell of a pathetic former man. The only thing that fills this shell is pain, shame, humiliation, devastation, misery and suffering. And everything else in between. I truly no longer know what it means to be happy. It doesn't matter because I don't even deserve to be happy anymore. Scars, cuts and bruises cover my body. I can't stand to look at them but I almost have to. I'm just glad that I can't see my face. I can't bear the thought of how I must look. I'm sure I have black eyes and constant tear stains running down my face. There's probably snot and blood crusted on my nose. My eyes have got to be extremely red and puffy from both crying and bruising. I'm sure I look really haggard. Even once I'm able to stop crying, my cuts and bruises clear up, and by some off chance that I actually wash my face, I'll still look horrible. But no matter how I look on the outside it'll never compare to how I feel on the inside. I'm completely… broken… all over. I don't even think that quite captures it but nothing else comes to mind at the moment. It's going to be a lonnnggggg time before death comes for me. I'm ready and willing to go. But God won't let me. I need to go. I'm just wasting space and air. There's no way I can get through this and no reason why I should.

I deserve this. I deserve every bit of this. There's no doubt in that now. I never thought that one person could cry so much. I don't even think I have a voice any more. Not like I'm going to be talking to anyone any time soon. I've got nothing to say. I won't even waste time in trying to write a suicide note. No one will bother reading it. Is there anything in this room that I can use to kill myself with? Oh God… I can't even think. I don't even know what will kill me. I don't want to have to leave this room but I think I might have to in order to find something to kill myself. What am I supposed to do? I can't even get out of bed. I knocked the God damn wheelchair over the moment I got in bed. I'm so pathetic. I need someone to come in here and knock me out. Or better yet, shoot me. No. Just leave the gun in here. I'll spare you the work of actually having to shoot me. You won't even have to clean up the mess afterwards if you don't want to. I already know it won't be worth it. I'm not worth anyone's time. I should just go out onto a busy street and sit there. But that would take too much time and effort on my part. I bet everyone would love to run me over though. They'd all jump at the chance to completely flatten me on the pavement. After they run me over they'd just leave me there with the rest of the road kill.

This is officially the worst I've ever felt in my life. I'm lower than low. I'm lower than the worst rock bottom that any one could reach. Why do I have to still be alive? God please just tell me what purpose do you have in keeping me here? I beg you. Please just let me go. I feel like my heart is going to explode from all the pain and suffering I've been going through. I hope it does. I can't take any of this any more. I have to stop crying. But I can't. It's all I've been doing. It's all I can do. I don't deserve to live. I deserve to die. FUCK! Why am I still here?

Oh shit… someone actually knocked on the door. Why? No one cares about me. No one should care about me. So why would someone knock on the door? They must be crazy.

"Bam?" God no. Anyone but her. "Bam please open the door." I can't. "Open the door babe I need to talk to you." I can't!

It's quiet now. Did she leave? Good. I hope she did. I hope she never comes back. Wait... what is that sound? What is that? Oh fuck she's messing with the lock. No. Please stop Go away. I need to be left alone. Please don't pick the lock… Oh God…

"Babe?" Oh God. "Babe can you sit up please? I need to talk to you."

Oh God my stomach hurts. Why'd she have to pick the lock for? How dare she? How dare she come in here and say she wants to talk? She doesn't want to talk. She wants to rub in how pathetic and worthless I am and how much I don't deserve to live any more. Missy I know all of that without you telling me. You're wasting your time. Why is she still in here? Why is she staring at me like that? Do I _really_ have to sit up for this? I can't…

"Babe…" Why does she have to call me that? I don't deserve any kind of name. "Babe please." Please what? "If you're not going to sit up then you could at least look at me." Oh you mean I'm worthy enough to look at you? No I'm not. But if you insist…

"You don't have to cry." Yes I do. Why do you bother wiping my tears away like that? "Look I don't know why I… did that to you yesterday." Because I deserved it. "I was just so scared that I was going to lose you." Whatever. "I guess I was trying so hard to keep you from… killing yourself, that I… lost control." Yeah right. You weren't trying to keep me from killing myself. Fucking liar. You wanted to push me off the railing and you know it. "Babe I'm really sorry." No you aren't. Cruel-hearted witch. "I can't imagine what you're going through." You want to so you can laugh at me. "But what I did yesterday was wrong and very unnecessary." Please stop pretending to apologize. "I love you Bam. So much." No you don't. "I don't want to hurt you any more." Why not? We both know I deserve it. "I just want you to forgive me." I can't… Why should I? You don't mean it. "Are you going to just keep lying there and not saying anything?" What do you want me to do? "Can I at least get a hug?" A _hug_? Are you kidding me? "I'm giving you a hug any way, Bam." Get off of me.

You have no idea what you're putting me through. I don't need this. It's all fake any way and you know it. Please don't make me feel any thing for you. I just can't deal with that. That's the last thing that I need right now. Please leave me to suffer alone. You're a witch. I hate you so much. But I don't even deserve to hate you. I don't want to hate you. I don't want to love you. I don't even want to like you. I don't want to feel anything for you. It's too hard. I just want to be alone. I want to not exist to you. Why can't you give this much to me? Because you want to torture me. Well it's working. You're getting what you want. Now leave. Get out of my life. I don't deserve you. I don't deserve any one. And no one deserves me.

Why are you still in here? Please leave. Get away from me. Don't touch me. I would have left by now if I were you. I wouldn't have even come in here. I would have left a long time ago and not looked back. I wouldn't have even married me if I were you. I would have turned me down before the relationship ever went anywhere. Why would you make yourself be with a worthless… nothing? It just doesn't make sense. I don't understand why you're doing this to yourself. If you knew what's best for you, please just walk away now and don't come back for anything. Nothing about me is worth your time. I know you can't possibly love me. There's no reason to love me. And you know that. So why must you insist on staying with me? Why must you pretend that you actually give a shit about me? I'm nothing. No one should feel a thing for me. No one should even think of me as a person. Everyone might as well treat me as the dirt that they walk on. No. They shouldn't. That would be treating me too well. Please stop touching me. You don't really want to comfort me. How could you? That's the last thing that I need.

We both know that you came in here to watch me suffer. I believe that has been established already. Oh well. I'm suffering. I'm beyond suffering. Now you treating me like you actually care about me, like you're actually trying to comfort me, and apologize for what you've done to me, that's just adding pure torture to my suffering. Talk about putting salt in my wounds. God I fucking hate you. It hurts. It hurts that I still feel something for you, Missy. Even if what I feel is hatred. I want to be completely empty. I want to be void of all emotion. I want to not care at all about you so I'll know what it's like for every one else to not care about me. I want this whole damn thing to end. Please just finish it already. Kill me. You know you want to. Everyone would love you for it. I wish I was in a hospital hooked up to machines. I would pull the plug in an instant.

Why do I have to feel? Why do I have to breathe? Why do I have to be alive? I hate Phil and April for conceiving me. It's all their fault. There's just no point for me at all. Alright God. You make everything happen for a reason. But what reason could you possibly have for putting me on this earth? Was that just a big joke to you? Were you just bored? Well whatever the reason you had for putting me here, please just undo it. I need out of here. Please, God, just take me away already.

What's the hold up, God? You know where I am. You know what I want. All you have to do is grant my wish. Please, God. Just let me die. Do something to kill me. I hate begging but you're giving me no choice. _Please_. I'm in agony here. I can no longer take this. I don't want to live any more. I don't want to live. What do I have to do in order to get you to do this one ting for me? Why are you doing this to me? I can't suffer any more. I just want to go. Why won't you let me?

Thank you for finally leaving, Missy. I don't ever want to see your face again. Now that I'm alone again I guess I should think about what I can do in order to end my life. I have to face the fact that God isn't going to do it for me. Why does this have to be so hard? Why must there be so many tears? I've got to get up. I've got to get enough strength to get the hell out of this room. The sooner I'm out of this room the sooner I can take my life. I don't deserve to live any more. Death will be a sweet relief, not just for me but for everyone who knows me. Death is the only thing that I deserve.


	7. Suicide

For the past ten minutes or so I have been sitting here on the bed in semi Indian style. Just thinking. I barely even cried in the ten minutes that have gone by. There might have been a tear or two that managed to roll down my face but I didn't really pay attention. I still can't believe Missy just came in here and tried to apologize for what she did to me. What was she getting from that any way? Did she think that I wasn't going to know that she wasn't serious about what she was saying to me? God I really really hate her. I never thought I would hate someone as much as I hate her. But as much as I hate her it still doesn't compare to how much I hate myself. All those other times recently that I wanted to die, those other attempts I made to kill myself, those are nothing compared to this moment. I truly want to kill myself right now, unlike those other times. But how am I going to go about doing it? Do I want a nice quick death or a slow drawn out death? Either way I want it to have the least amount of pain involved as possible.

That's it I'm getting off this bed. Oh shit I forgot that I knocked the wheelchair over. Now what? Fuck it. Alright I'll just drop down onto the floor like I did before. Here we go. Aw shit I kind of landed hard. On my good leg too. But I'm not going to worry about that. How the hell am I going to pick my wheelchair up so I can get into it? This is going to be tough. Ok wheelchair you're going to have to help me out here. I'm staring at you, the least you could do is get up by yourself or something. Aw come one man… Stupid wheelchair. Why am I talking to it? That seemed familiar. I'm really cracking up now. But that doesn't matter now since I've got a job to do. This is probably the most important and longest awaited job that I'll ever do. Everyone will probably be like, why in the hell didn't he do this sooner? Well fuck all of you. I hope you'll all be happy now that you're getting what you want. I know you'd be happy. Probably will throw a party to celebrate the fact that I'm gone. What I don't understand is why has everyone pretended for so long that they actually care about me?

Oh my God fucking hell that took for fucking ever. Stupid asshole wheelchair. I think I'm actually sweaty from trying to sit the wheelchair back up. I almost need to take a breather before I can pull myself up into it. This is going to suck. I know it is. I should have known that my last moments alive wouldn't go so well. It actually wouldn't make any sense if things went smoothly. I actually want this to go as horribly as possible. I'm not going out with no pussy whimper. I hope there's one big ass nasty mess for Missy to clean up once I'm dead. She needs to suffer a little with this and the only way she would suffer is if she has something to clean up afterwards. That's the only way to go. I love the thought about that; leave one last thing for Missy to resent about me.

Well now I'm sitting in my chair instead of on the bed. I still haven't figured out what to do in order to take my own life. Something will come. Ugh… man… I hate thinking. Maybe I should go piss first. Sometimes I think better when I'm in the bathroom. I don't know what that is either. Something about being in the bathroom just helps me to concentrate. Even my ADD goes away completely when I'm in there. Not all the time thought. What was I doing? Ok yeah never mind. Just go into the bathroom and get this over with. Well now here I am in the bathroom and I'm about to piss like a girl. I've actually gotten used to this. But this will be the last time that I ever do this.

Hmm… Oh! I just got an idea. I need a belt. And of course I'm not wearing one today. Well then that means I just have to go into my room. Well I guess it'll only be Missy's room real soon. Now she'll finally be able to do whatever she wants with it. I don't care. Ok closet. What have you got? This place is so unorganized. Well that's my fault mainly. Not anymore. Oh here's a belt. How am I supposed to do this? Hmm… well… maybe I could… uh… shit. Looking at everything in the closet right now and I really don't see anything I could… Maybe I could attach one end of the belt onto the bar somehow and then just like loop it around my neck. That could work. Right? Well I'm trying it. Hopefully this time I'll have time to get through this before Missy comes in to stop me. I just don't know why she keeps stopping me. She's crazy. Ok I think that is secure enough. Now all I have to do is get it around my neck. I almost hate how well this it turning out I wanted more complications than this. Oh well whatever. Just do it already. The belt is looped around my neck. All I have to do is tighten it. Here I go…

I love the way that feels around my neck. Is it tight enough? My head feel kind of… I don't know. It's hard to breathe. I'm feeling sleepy…

What? What's going on? Why do I feel like this? Where am I?

"Bam?"

I think that was Missy. My head… my body… ugh. Everything feels so strange. I'm like… I dunno. Kind of tingly all over. I feel kind of like I'm high… but it's not a real good high. More like a weird, bad kind of high. What the hell happened?

"Bam can you look at me?"

Look at you? What? I feel like I'm… where am I? I don't think I'm in my wheelchair…

"M-Missy?" My voice sounds so weak.

Oh shit… I'm still alive. How the hell am I still alive? This can't be…

"Oh babe you had me so worried!"

Why are you hugging me? Why were you worried? My head feels funny… I think I'm on the floor.

"No babe don't try to sit up."

"Why?"

"I don't want to risk you passing out again."

"So… so I'm supposed to just lie here?"

What's she doing? Is she petting me? Why is she petting me? This is weird. Why did I have to still be alive? That should have killed me. Mother fucker. I'm so pissed off right now. Missy won't stop touching me. What's the matter with her? I need to get away from her so bad. But how in the hell am I supposed to get away from her if she won't leave me alone? I need out of this house. I need out of this life. Missy needs to leave long enough so I can kill myself in peace. Why does she keep stopping me? She's torturing me by keeping me alive. Maybe I already am dead. That's it. Whatever caused my accident actually killed me. And now I'm in hell. I think I figured that out before. Missy please just help me up and then leave me the hell alone so I can die already. Now I've got to think of some other way to kill myself. I've tried swallowing pills, she took them away from me before I could get the bottle open. I tried to throw myself off of the deck, and she pulled me off of the railing… and then beat the shit out of me. I tried to fight back. I really did. But I just couldn't fight her. Now I tried choking myself to death with a belt and… I don't know what she did to stop me this time. I managed to get further than the other suicide attempts I made. But all I managed to do was make myself unconscious. I don't even know how long I was unconscious before Missy found me. God I am so angry right now.

Why does Missy have to ruin everything for me? Why did she have to save my worthless piece of shit of a life? Fuck. I should kill her first and then kill myself. That's the only way she won't be able to stop me. I can't kill her. She, unlike me, deserves to live. I just don't have it in my heart to kill anyone. I wish I didn't have a heart. It's done nothing for me any way. Nothing good that is. I was such a fool for ever believing that I should care about any one and that they should care about me.

I really want to just shoot myself and get it over with all ready. One bullet in my brain to completely end it once and for all. If only I had a gun. That would be the best way to go. And Missy wouldn't even be able to stop me. Just pull the trigger and BOOM! Done. Nothing but brains and blood everywhere. Blood. Now that gives me an idea. I just need Missy to finally leave me alone so I can do it. Why are you still in here you stupid bitch? Fuck you. Just leave. Now.

Thank God. Now I just have to get back into my chair. My head still feels funny but not as much as it did before. Who put my chair so far away from me? Damn Missy. Ok I'm in my chair now. All I have to do is get to the bathroom. I feel like I'm going in circles. Well what do I do first now that I'm in here? Hmm… Here we go. I'll just get the water going in the tub for a little bit. Where are my razors? I swear I can't find anything that's right in front of me. Fuck. I guess I just can't do anything right. No wonder I haven't been able to die. Well that's about to end. Ok I got the razor blade. I'm by the tub. I just shut the water off. I think this could work out great for me. If I don't bleed to death then I'll pass out face first into the water and drown. First I got to get down close enough to the tub. That means I have to get out of my wheelchair. There… Time to get this done once and for all. It's about fucking time too. Missy better not come in here and ruin it. Maybe she'll think I'm taking a bath. Ha.

Let me just roll up my sleeves. Take a deep breath, Bam. Ow! Oh… look. Blood. Now the other wrist. Oooh… the water is turning red already. Oh man… I like the way that looks. Maybe I can make some patterns in the water with my blood… Nah. I don't need to have fun before I go. The water feels nice… wow… So much blood already… I feel dizzy… really dizzy… oh… shit… Now I… I feel kind of cold… oh God… so dizzy…

I don't know what's going on around me. I feel weird. I think I'm dead. Wait… Am I dead or alive? It's so hard to tell. Would I be thinking if I was dead? Maybe I'm a spirit… I have no idea if I wound up going to heaven or hell. Maybe I'm in purgatory. Whatever. I don't care where I am as long as I'm dead. Fucking God damn me. I think I'm breathing. Shit. I'm breathing. What the hell? Is there nothing that can kill me now? God no.

"Bam." No. "Bam can you hear me?" NO! What? "Now Bam if you can hear me, open your eyes." I don't want to… "Well now welcome back." Welcome? "We thought we lost you for good." You should have. "How are you feeling?" Like you care.

"Shit…" I'm so quiet.

"Now relax. We're taking good care of you." But why are you? What's on my wrists? I have to get them off. "Bam we bandaged your wrists so you wouldn't get at your stitches. You need to keep those on for a while." Ugh. Whatever. "We're going to let your wife see you now, but only for a few minutes because you need your rest." Rest for what? I don't even want to see Missy. Fuck you. "I'll just leave you two alone." Don't come back. Ever. And take her with you while you're at it.

"Babe…" Damn it. "Babe how are you feeling?" How am I feeling? I hate that question.

"Please don't ask me that." I'm still quiet.

"Babe I.. I really thought you were dead when I found you in the bathroom." I wish you had. But that would have been too good for you.

"I don't care…"

"How could you not care?!" Easy. Like this. Now leave me alone. "Did you just roll your eyes at me?" What do you think, stupid bitch?

"Why couldn't you just leave me where I was?"

"What do you mean? I wasn't going to let you die!"

"Why not? It's what you would have wanted. You and everyone else. So I was doing you all a favor."

"How can you say that?! That's not true Bam! I love you!"

"Bullshit."

"What did you just say?"

"Bull. Shit. You don't love me. You never loved me No one has."

"I can't believe what I'm hearing." Why not? You know it's true. "Babe if I didn't love you, do you think I would have called an ambulance to save your life? Do you think I would be here right now talking to you and listening to you talk this way? This is the… forth time I've stopped you from killing yourself. That should show you how much I love you right there." Whatever bitch.

I can't even look at her any more. This is the worst I've ever felt. I can't believe it… Part of me actually wants to believe what she's saying to me. But that's a very small part. Mostly I just want her to leave. I don't want to be around her any more. I don't want to be around any one. I've officially reached the lowest point in my entire life. But the thing is I have no idea if I want to get out of the place that I'm in right now. But at the same time I don't know if I want to stay here. I still don't think I deserve to live but I don't want to waste my time with trying to kill myself any more. I no longer see the point in trying. Someone is always going to be there to stop me. I wish Missy would leave me alone right now. Didn't the doctor say that she couldn't stay long? Seems like she's been in here for a long time. She's still talking to me. And… holding my hand. I just realized that… Oh man… I just don't know what to do any more.


	8. Back home again

Hospitals suck. They all need to go to hell. Every last one of them. This one especially. I've been in here way too long. It turns out that because of my suicide attempt I had to stay in a "special" part of the hospital for a while. The asshole doctors had to make sure that I was stable enough before I could be released from the hospital. Well I've got news for them. I never was stable to begin with. But whatever. I'm going home. I hope to not come back to this God forsaken place for a really long time.

Aw shit here comes Missy. Bitch don't look at me, don't talk to me, don't even touch me. Just get me the fuck home. The sooner the better. At this point all I want is my bed. I need to be alone and I need to be alone in my own bed. Maybe I'll be able to sleep. I haven't gotten much sleep since I've been here. Fucking nurses and doctors coming into my room every five minutes to check up on me got real annoying real fast. If I didn't know what they were monitoring my mental stability to determine when I could be released, I would have lost my mind and started yelling at them like I've never yelled at anyone before. But I knew I had to be a good boy so I can leave. However I just have been bottling all of that anger and frustration so I could blow at any moment over anything. So Missy, you better be ready. I'm ripping your head off.

Oh man she never shuts up. This is just like the first time I was being brought home from the hospital after my accident. She is making me so angry. That's just adding to the anger I have built up inside of me. I'm running on an extremely short fuse. I just really want her to shut the hell up before I lose it. But I just don't see that happening. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. SHUT UP!

"Oh my God will you shut your fucking mouth already?!"

"What the fuck is the matter with you?!"

"I was wondering the same thing about you!"

And so the battle begins. My anger has not yet begun to show. She isn't going to know what to do once my anger comes out. She won't know what hit her. What's coming out of my mouth right now? God damn I had no idea that I knew so many curse words and so many ways to use them. If I was on TV right now there would probably be only one or two non-bleeped words. She should have known not to mess with me right now. She's yelling at me, I'm yelling at her, people passing us are staring at us as we fight in the car… Some people even honked at us. Well fuck them. I don't give a fucking fat shit about them. I really have no good reason to be fighting with Missy right now. I had to start a fight with her so I could get my anger out. There's so much in there too. This is going to be one hell of a fight. A real long ass one too. Wow she's swearing at me just as much as I'm swearing at her. That's the most mad I've ever heard her be at me. I really don't care. I need this. Fighting with her will really be good for me. I just realized that I need to fight in order to feel better and I want to feel better for once. I have no idea how long it's been since I've actually wanted to feel better; when I actually felt like I deserved to feel better. Right now this is the only way I can achieve it. But I know that after I get all this anger out I'm probably going to feel like a big pile of shit all over again. Chances are Missy's going to be the one to make me feel that way. But it won't be out of guilt. I won't have that. There's no way that she can make me feel guilty over this.

Well holy hell. Are we home already? God damn she's so pissed that she just tore her car door open like a crazed maniac. I want to storm inside the house but I have to sit here and wait for her to get my wheelchair out of the car before I can go anywhere. I can't believe that she's actually getting it out for me. Jesus! She nearly slammed my hand in the door. Fucking crazy ass bitch. We're still yelling at each other but not nearly as much as we were before. My heart is racing. I can almost hear it, it's pounding so hard. There's going to be no sex in this house for a while. Well not like there's been sex lately. I really don't care to tell the truth.

Missy just went inside like a bat out of hell with her ass on fire. I guess she just can't get away from me faster. Go ahead. Leave. I don't give a shit. You're probably in there packing your shit right now. Good. I could live by myself. I wouldn't miss you at all. You've been nothing but a bitch to me any way. I don't need any one. God I'm so fucking angry. I can't even see straight. God damn it mother fucker! I can't even move my wheelchair right. I keep bumping into the door. There. I'm inside. Aw shit I just ran over the kitty's tail. Sorry kitty. I didn't mean to get you in my war path. I hope I didn't break your little kitty tail. Yeah the cats are the only things in the house that I care about right now. But at the same time I can't worry about them. I just need to get up to my room so I can lie down. I need sleep. I hope I'll be able to calm down enough to fall asleep. I hope Missy isn't in there. If she is I'll just grab my pillow and go sleep downstairs on the couch or something. I need to get her out of my sight. I don't even want to hear her breathing. I don't even want to smell her. The farther away she is from me the better.

Aw shit. "What the hell are you doing in here?" I knew she'd be in here.

"What's it look like?"

"Get the hell out, bitch."

"What the hell do you think I'm doing, asshole?"

"I actually don't care what you're doing. Just as long as you do it away from me."

"Well I'm leaving. I'm not coming back until you calm down and stop being an asshole for no good reason."

"Looks like you're going to be gone for a while."

"You should be glad. I'll be at a hotel. Like you really care."

"I don't. Get the hell out!"

"Fine!"

"Get out bitch!"

Thank God she's leaving. Why'd she tell me where she's going? Does she think I'm going to want to follow her and beg her to come back? Does that really sound like something I would do? Yeah fucking right. I'm not going to beg her. Especially when I'm glad that she's leaving. Now I've got the whole house to myself. Just me and the cats. Well one cat is probably pissed at me for running over its tail. But he'll get over it. Missy really didn't waste any time at all in leaving the house. I've never heard any one pull out of the drive way that fast before. I just hope she didn't run over anything as she left. That's my job. Maybe I should change the gate code on her while she's gone. Nah. That'll take too much effort that I don't want to use. Plus I won't be able to remember a new code.

Good. Now that I'm alone I can get some sleep. I feel exhausted now. I guess that fight really was good for something after all. Ahh… my own bed. This feels soooooooo nice. It's nice and warm. And so quiet. I can't see myself right now but I bet that if I could I would see a… holy shit… a-a smile. A really small one but I'm sure that one is there. I am actually starting to feel… well I don't know if I could call it happy now… but I'm feeling a littler better. Now all I need to do is go to sleep. I think I've gone at least a week without sleeping all through the night without someone waking me up. I'm so glad that I can finally get to sleep for once. Hmm…. My eyes are closed. I'm comfortable. I've calmed down. Why can't I go to sleep? Shit. Of course I wouldn't have an easy time. All I hear is silence. That is a really annoying sound. I would get up and put some music on but I'm way too comfortable. This fucking sucks. Fucking ass… I'm still awake. I hate this so much. Why the hell do I still have to be awake? I want to like… I don't know! This is ridiculous. All I want to do right now is go to sleep but I can't. What's wrong with me? Fuck me in the ass.

I'm really tired but wide awake at the same time. That doesn't even make sense. Oh hello kitty. Did you come to keep me company? Ok I'll sit up so I can pet you. You would like that, of course you would. Are you the one that I accidentally ran over with my wheelchair? Sorry if you are. There you go kitty. You get lots of pets. And scratches under your chin. Some more scratches behind your ears. It sure would be nice if I could live like a cat. Just lie around and sleep all day. Get up and grab a few nibbles of food. And then make someone scratch you behind the ears before you go back to sleep. That's the kind of life I would like to have. You cats sure do have it nice. Me? I got in an accident and wound up stuck in a wheelchair. Then I became depressed and suicidal, wind up back in the hospital, came home and have a huge fight with my wife for no real reason. Now I'm here all alone and unable to sleep. At least I have you with me. Oh look there's the other kitty. Well you don't have to be so jumpy just because you saw me. Oh you must be the one I ran over. Poor kitty.

"How's your tail doing kitty? Sorry I hurt you."

Yeah he's pissed at me. I don't blame him. Now he's complaining to the other cat about it. Look at them. Talking shit about me. They're going to attack me in my sleep now. If I ever get to sleep that is. Maybe it's a good thing that I'm awake after all. Oh I see how it is. You two are just going to leave me now. Well fine. Well that was the highlight of my day. How pathetic is that? Now I'm all alone again. Maybe I should get up and do something. Nah fuck it. I might as well stay here and not do anything. Well shit. That's what I'm doing. Maybe I'll finally fall asleep.

Aaaaaaaahhhhhhh…. Fuck. Hell. That fucking hurts. You'd think that my back would stop hurting like this by now. I have to turn over. Maybe that will help. Ah! No… that only made it worse. I'm really not going to get any sleep now. I can't just lie here in pain like this. Aw fuck. I have to get up. My painkillers are in the bathroom. I don't know if I want to take one of those though. I don't feel like being loopy. My body kind of aches too… Hmm… maybe I could just take a nice hot bath. It's worth a try. Sitting in the hot tub has always helped take pain away from my muscles so sitting in the bathtub should do the same thing. Oh man it even hurts to sit up. My neck is even stiff. Where's my wheelchair? Oh shit I'm an idiot. Ok here we go. Getting in the chair wasn't so bad. I just hope getting out of the chair won't be painful. Well… here's the bathroom. The place where I had my most recent failed suicide attempt. It looks different in here for some reason. Missy must have cleaned up and rearranged everything. I guess I don't really blame her for that.

Let me just go over here and start the water. I'll make it nice and hot. Do I want any bubbles? What the hell I'll put some in. It'll make it really seem like the hot tub that way. But there aren't any jets… oh well. This will be fine. Oh man why did I look in the mirror? I look like hell. Well there go my clothes. Got the towel down. Great. Now shut the water off. I'm so glad Glomb fixed up the tub to make it more accessible for me. These bars here really make it easy for me to lower myself into the tub. Ah shit! That's fucking hot. Ooooooooohhhhhhhhhh yeah…. That's nice. I don't normally do baths like this but when I do I can sit in them for hours. And it's even better now that I know I won't be interrupted. Oh yeah fuck yeah. The pain is already going away. This is already better than taking a pill. I hate those pills anyway. This is so relaxing. All my joints are starting to loosen up. My neck doesn't even feel stiff any more. I'm so glad that I did this. I could fall asleep in here. But I don't want to sleep in the tub. I want to sleep in my bed. I really love this. I'll just rest my head back on this and close my eyes. Oh yeah… I don't think I've relaxed like this in a long time. This was a really great idea that I had. Now I don't want to get out of here. At least not for a while. I think that once I start to get all wrinkly I'll get out.

I'm flying… But not flying like Superman type flying. More like something launched me up into the air. But not in a fun kind of way. What's that sound? Sounds like… I don't know… weird… What's happening? Where am I? Oh my God… Oh my God I'm on the ground. There's a skateboard nearby me. My skateboard. What's going on? Should I be feeling pain? I know that I should. What was that? What happened? My God…

Holy shit. I must have fallen asleep. I better get out of the tub now. Wow my back feels real good. Ok let me just lift myself out of the tub. That really wasn't so bad… where did my towel go? Oh there is it. Dry dry dry… Oh man what the hell was that dream? That wasn't a dream… Fucking memories that don't even make sense. This time I didn't see or hear any one else. But I still have absolutely no clue what the hell happened o me. Well I can't let that bother me while I'm sitting naked in my chair. All I want to do now is crawl in my bed and go to sleep. Oh wait gotta drain the water in the tub. I guess I should get dressed too. You know what? I think I'm going to sleep naked. Or try to sleep any way. I just don't feel like putting my clothes on after all. I'm alone in the house and my cats won't mind, so why shouldn't I be naked if I want to? Oh well I got my clothes sitting on my lap. All I have to do now is get to my room.

What's the matter with you, kitty? Don't look at me like that. I'm just a naked guy sitting in a wheelchair just rolling around his house. What's it to ya? That's right kitty. Run away from me. Well here I am bed. I'm ready to go to sleep now. Aaaahh yeah… Some reason lying in bed feels better when you're naked. My back feels wonderful right now. I'm so glad I took that bath. This is so cozy. And warm. I can now get some sleep. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.


	9. Depression Relapse

Ugh. I'm awake. And I feel like a pile of shit. I don't want to get up right now. Or any time today. Or ever really. I had the worst nightmares. I can't believe I was able to sleep through them. I even slept when the cats were fighting. But I'm not entirely sure if I dreamt that or not. Why am I so cold? Oh… I'm naked. I can't believe I slept like that the whole night. I'm still alone. I haven't been alone in… I actually don't remember the last time I was alone like this. It's weird. I wonder if Missy will come back today. Should I call her? Wait. What am I thinking? There's no point in calling her. She'll come back whenever she wants. I'm certainly not going to call her and beg her to come back. I don't want her to come back. I need to be alone. The last thing I need is to see Missy. I don't need her. I don't need any one. They don't need me. I hope they all die. My life fucking sucks. Big fat hairy balls.

All I want to do is lie here in bed. I don't even want to bother with putting clothes on. I don't care that I'm cold. Why do I need to be warm for? Ugh. I hate me. I hate this house. I hate my life. I need to get out. Why do I have to feel this way? I hate being so miserable. But what else is there? Depression sucks. I hate me. I hate depression. But I don't know how to get better. I don't know if I can get better. Or if I deserve to get better. Man… I guess I'm stuck like this. How does a person get out of depression any way? Maybe they don't… they just learn how to fake being happy. I can't fake being happy… I barely even know what happy is… Why do I even need to be happy? How can I be happy? What's there to be happy about? I don't know any more… I don't think I ever did know… I'm starting to confuse myself. Maybe not. I don't know. I just… I don't know. All I know is I don't want to get out of bed. I don't know why I should.

Why did I have to wake up anyway? Why couldn't I be dead? I wish my suicide attempt had worked. Fuck Missy. Why did she have to find me in the bathroom? She needs to be slapped. But if she was here I wouldn't have the energy to slap her. I wouldn't even be able to look at her. I hate her. I hope she dies. She's the worst thing in my life. I shouldn't even be alive. Why do I have to be just a pile of shit? I'm so worthless. I shouldn't be here. I need to leave. I need out of this life. But I just can't do anything about it. I don't want to. I don't have the energy to. I should just go back to sleep. What else am I supposed to do? I hate me. I should just die right now. Ugh.

Oh great here's the cats. They're the only ones I've got to keep me company right now. They're the only ones that I'll allow to be around me actually. I have no desire at all to be around any one. There's no way in hell that I'm going to miss Missy. I won't allow it. She's the last person I want or need to be here. I don't need any one. I don't want any one. Except for the cats. They're the only ones that I care about right now. I just wish that I trained them to fetch me things. I could use a big stiff drink. Hey could one of you kitties mix me a drink? No? Maybe? Ok. Stupid cats. What are you good for? Can't even make a drink for me. Not even a vodka cranberry. Ugh. I don't want to have to get up. I guess it's not that big of deal. I can live without a drink. Even though I shouldn't even be alive. What the hell am I going to do? I'll just lie here and get bed sores. I'm so cold though. Maybe I should think about getting dressed. Nah. That just sounds like too much work. I guess I'll just lie here naked and be cold then. Why couldn't this stupid blanket be warmer? Maybe I deserve to freeze to death. Maybe? _Definitely_. I'll just stay like this then.

Ugh. Asshole. Get your fucking tail out of my face. No. _Out_ of my face. Not in it even more! Why do you cats have to be right there? You always do this to me whenever I'm lying down. Gross. Fucking cat hair in my mouth. I hate that. It's so annoying. No you don't have to get off of me. I just wanted you to get your tail out of my face. Oh look at you. What do you want? Besides sticking your face directly in mine. Ew. Your breath smells. I hate cat breath. Were you just eating something before you came in here? With my luck you were probably licking yourself. Because of that you probably just put cat crotch in my face. Ew. Thanks. I needed that.

I am so bored. I actually wish I had a TV in here. I hardly watch TV. I just get so bored with it. But right now I am so bored out of my mind that I want to watch TV. But that would mean that I'd have to get up and go all the way downstairs. I don't think it's worth it. The only thing that I have the energy for is what I'm doing right now. I hate that I'm wide awake. Because there's no reason why I should be awake. I want to sleep but my eyes won't let me. Oh fuck me all the way to hell. Oh yeah stupid cats. Just leave me. Just like every one else did. Especially Missy. I hate her. I'm glad she left. I hope she never comes back. Why did I ever fall in love with her? She's been nothing but… bad for me the whole time I've known her. Why'd she even have to bother to give a shit about me? Why am I thinking about her for? I don't miss her. I can't. There's no reason why I should.

God damn you Missy. Get the hell out of my head. You're the last thing I need on my mind right now. No I don't want to think about you! Get out! Why are you torturing me like this? I don't miss you. How could I miss you? You haven't been gone that long. I refuse to miss you! Fucking bitch. I need to blow my fucking brains out. That'll stop me from thinking about you. I hate you. I hate you. I HATE you! You hear me? HATE. I hurt all over now. But not like physical pain. Oh man this sucks so bad. I feel like I'm the biggest dickhead on earth. I know I did something to deserve to feel this way but I have no idea what that could be. But it doesn't matter. I shouldn't even be here right now. There's no way to escape this incredibly fucked up life. Missy needs to die so I can die. She's the only reason why I haven't been able to kill myself. She always fucking stops me. She needs to be here right now so I can kill her. No! Fucking asshole tears. Why do I have to cry right now? Why do I have to feel anything? There's no point in it… But I'm crying. It hurts so fucking much but I can't control it. God damn it. Missy was right before. I iam/i a crybaby. It's all I have been able to do since my accident. I hate being so emotional. I'm such a fucking God damn pussy. Go ahead and keep crying you pussy! Fucking pussy crybaby. Of course I can't stop crying. That's what crybabies do. My God it hurts so much. I don't deserve to live…

What the hell is going on? What time is it? I must have cried myself to sleep. I fucking hate myself. I hate myself more and more all the time. Oh shit I'm so fucking cold. Oh wow I'm still naked. Might as well put some clothes on. I'll just put on the clothes I was wearing yesterday. What was that sound? Oh great. The fucking bitch is home. Just what I needed. What-fucking-ever. I didn't want her to come home. I never wanted to see her fucking witch face ever again. She can just go away and die. I wouldn't miss her at all.

"Bam are you in here?" Like you really care where I am. "Oh here you are… are you naked?"  
No. I'm not. Dumb bitch. "Yeah. Why do you care?"  
"Why are you naked?"  
"I'm _trying_ to get dressed. Leave me alone." Dumb cunt. Put my pants down now. "Gimmie those!"  
"I was going to h…"  
"I don't need your fucking help!"

Look. I'm dressing myself without any trouble. It's not like I've never done it before, even after my accident. Why are you just standing there watching me like that? Are you expecting me to fall off the bed or something?

"_What_?"  
"Nothing." Whatever, bitch.  
"Why are you staring at me?"  
"I'm just making sure you don't have any trouble."  
"Get the fuck out."

She actually listened. Good. I'm going to lie down again. This way I won't have to be around her or do anything. She just better not come back in here. I really hate that bitch. I don't think I could say that enough. Even thought I'm not actually saying it… Oh man… I never want to get out of bed again. Ever. I should just die right now. I wish I could just die whenever I wanted to. I would already be dead. But no. I had to go and be alive like a complete idiot. What an asshole. That's it. I'm staying here in bed until I die. There's no reason why I should do anything else. I don't deserve to do anything else any way. Why do I need to have any kind of life? I don't. I'm just a big waste of everything. Someone come in here to kill me. It's going to take way too long for me to lie here and wait for death to come. That's why I need someone to kill me. Oh what I'd give for a psycho crazed maniac fan to break into that window and start stabbing me. I'd just lie here and take it. Better yet, I'll have a video camera set up on a tri-pod just to capture the whole thing. Everyone would love to watch that video. But I can't count on that happening. Maybe Missy will poison me. That won't happen either because she's been keeping me alive this whole time. Why? What's the point? I need to take my pills. I know I tried that already and Missy stopped me before I could even get the bottle open. I just want to die…

"Bam!" Oh great.  
"_What_?!"  
"There's something down here for you!" What? A gun? Yeah right.  
"What is it?!"  
"A pack…. Just come down here and get it!"  
No way am I getting up. "You bring it to me!" Bitch. I should have said that.

Oh my God. Is she actually coming upstairs? I can't believe how… obedient she's being with me right now. Wow. She actually brought… what is that?

"Here Bam. It just came in the mail."  
"Oh thanks."

What the hell could this be? Who in their right mind would send me something in the mail? Who would care about me enough to go through all that effort to mail me something It's probably laced with anthrax, whatever it is. If it is then I hope some of it gets on Missy as well. Dumb bitch needs to suffer too. Who's this from anyway? Hmm… Mark Zupan… Why does that sound familiar? Oh! I know who that is. I think… yeah…

Oh man he wrote me a letter too… Dear Bam blah blah blah… whatever… bullshit… blah blah… thought you would enjoy this… stuff… words… blah blah… hopefully it helps motivate you…

Yeah whatever. Motivate me? The hell is he talking about? Get out of here stupid letter. I have no use for you. Now what the hell did he give me? Oh it's a movie. Murderball… I've heard about that. I haven't seen it though. Might as well watch it so I'll have something to do while I'm waiting to die. There's no TV or DVD player in here though. Damn it I have to get up. What. The. Hell. Ugh. Well let's get this over with. I'm going downstairs.

How long is this going to take? Maybe I'll just watch a little bit of it to see what it's all about. Alright here we go. Put the DVD in… Check. God I'm such a dork. Whatever. Hmm… this might not be so bad. Let me just get comfortable here. Yeah I'll stretch out like this… Oh yeah. That's nice. Wait. What the hell is going on in this movie? Holy… oh wow… Just when I laid down all nice and comfortable, something exciting happened in the movie. I actually sat up right away. Wow… Just… wow. This is amazing. I'm actually on the edge of my seat right now. Holy shit! That had to really hurt. Oh my God I can't believe I haven't seen this before. Mark Zupan I love you. Wow… I just can't look away from this but it's so good that I don't want to look away. This is really incredible. What the hell, dude? They're just ramming the hell out of each other. I'm seriously in love with this right now. I really can't believe I've never seen this before because this is some of the best shit I've ever seen.

Look at my leg right now. And my wheelchair. After seeing this movie I'm really feeling.. well I'm not hating my wheelchair or the fact that I'm paralyzed. This movie is actually making me want to fix up my wheelchair and start ramming into things with it. I want to be the biggest asshole ever in that thing. I'm pumped right now. I'm seriously psyched. I got so much energy right now. My God I think… hell yeah I'm actually happy. Oh there's Missy.

"What's going on?"  
"Missy you've got to check this shit out. It's so… man…Just watch it."  
"Ok." Why is she looking at me like that? "Bam I can't believe this."  
"What?"  
"You're actually smiling right now."  
"Yeah yeah yeah whatever just watch this."

I don't know what's more amazing, this movie or the fact that I'm happy. I really forgot what it was like to feel this way. It's been way too long since I've actually felt happy and excited over something. I've go to… I don't know. I want to look up Mark Zupan and thank him personally. Should I just call him? No it would be better to go see him in person. I'm so happy over this that when I see him I just might give him a big hug. How in the hell did he know that I would need something like this? He is my new hero. I think… yeah… He seriously saved my life with this. I think I would have tried to kill myself again if Missy didn't bring me this package. Definitely. I can't believe that it took this one thing to bring me out of that fucking depression and so fast. Missy's hugging me. Is she crying? But she's smiling.

"What's the matter with you?"  
"I'm just so glad to see you happy for once. I feel like I have my Bam back."

Wow. I didn't expect her to react quite like this. But I like it. I like feeling this way. I feel like I've wasted my time being so upset and crying all the time, and fighting with Missy… and trying to kill myself… I really do feel like myself again. I… I'm back.


	10. Something New

Oh my God I can't believe I'm doing this. I could have just called Mark up but I decided against it. Here I am sitting outside of Mark's house, waiting for him to let me in. I heard him in there, he said he'd be out the door in a minute. That was almost two minutes ago. It's weird because I feel nervous for some reason. Kind of like I'm waiting to go out on a date but with a dude. Where did Missy go? I feel like my armpits are sweating. Ew. This is incredible. I'm going to be face to face with the man who saved my life, within the next few seconds. Maybe that's why I feel so nervous. But I don't know why it would make me nervous. I guess I just don't know what to expect when I see him. Well it's not like I was never around him before. He was in Number Two and I'm pretty sure I've been around him some other time before. But this is like… I don't know. When I see him I'm going to give him the biggest hug ever. How long does it take to come answer the door? Damn. I feel like I've been waiting out here forever. What time is it? Oh man only half a minute went by. No that's not right. It had to be longer than that.

Awesome there he is. Oh my God. I know he wasn't expecting this hug. To tell the truth I actually wasn't either. It just sorta came out.

"Um… nice to see you too, Bam."

"Sorry but um… you have no idea how much I appreciate what you've done for me. You seriously saved my life with that movie. I had to come here and tell you that in person."

"I saved your life?"

"Yeah. I had just come home from the hospital after attempting to kill myself and um… I was still feeling like I wanted to die. And that's when I got the movie from you. That movie saved me from trying to kill myself again. You're my hero."

"I honestly didn't think it was going to help you in that way. If I did I probably would have sent it sooner."

"Thank you." Wow I'm hugging him again. "Seriously thank you so much."

"I'm really glad I could help." Why's he looking at me like that? "Hey Bam how would you like to witness quad rugby in person? Maybe we'll give you some pointers and lessons on how the game is played. You seem like the perfect type of guy for this sport."

"Oh really? That would be awesome. I'd love to."

"Great. I'll give you a call about it tomorrow."

This is amazing. I feel so awestruck just talking to him. This sort of thing never happened to me before. I've got to get a hold of myself before I start acting like I have a crush on him. I just really appreciate him. Man I really can't wait for this. It's going to be so much fun and probably really painful. Well I love when pain comes along with having fun. That must be why I'm in the line of work that I'm in. I don't think you can really call what I do "work". That's why I love what I do so much. I'm so excited now. Why do I have to wait for tomorrow to do this? I want to do it now! What am I supposed to do now? I'm too pumped up to just do nothing! I guess I'll just have to find something to occupy myself in the meantime.

I can't believe I'm up this early. I haven't been up this early in so long that I almost forgot that there was a 7 in the morning. Yeah. 7. That's the time Mark called and woke me up. Even after watching the movie again last night I still have no clue what I'm about to get myself into. I don't think Missy has prepared herself for it either. I just know I'm in for a real treat here. This place looks a lot like a high school gym but nicer. There's Mark and a couple of the other guys. Damn look at their wheelchairs! I didn't think their chairs were going to look quite that gnarly in person. The movie didn't really prepare me for this. I can already tell that this is going to be so much different than what I've watched. I'm even more excited now.

"Bam we're going to explain the rules and object of the game first and then we'll give you a special wheelchair to practice in. Later on after some training and practice we'll let you join us in an actual game."

"That's fucking awesome. Let's get started."

"Ok try this wheelchair on for size."

"Holy shit. This is mine?"

Check this thing out. It's a monster! These metal sides on the wheels are really going to do a lot of damage. But hopefully not to me. Ok let's just get into it. Wow. I like this.

"Ok when do I start ramming the hell out of shit?" At least I made them laugh.

"You have to get used to the chair first."

"Yes sir."

They're not kidding. This chair is so much harder to control than my regular one. It looks cool as hell though. This is crazy. I'm really doing this just on the spur of the moment. But a lot of the things that I've done in my life have been done on the spur of the moment. I'm starting to get kind of hurt already and this is only practice. But it's a good kind of hurt. I'm using muscles that I forgot I had. I know that I'm going to really feel this tomorrow. Missy will have to give me massages and keep me iced. It will be well worth the pain. I know it will. Ah! What the hell just hit me? Wow. I love this so much already. And it's not even the actual game yet. When is the game? Oh man I can't wait for it.

Shit. This is just amazing. I'm actually nervous. The game is going to start in a few minutes here. I can't believe this is actually happening. I can hear people like in the stands even. Wow. Just… wow. Some reason I didn't realize that this was going to be an actual game, game in the front of other people like any other kind of sport. They even gave me my own uniform to wear and put my name on the back of the shirt to make it real official and shit. My stomach is going crazy right now. It's just how I felt right before my very first skate demo. It's a good kind of nervous feeling. The best kind. They're announcing the teams now. Which one am I on again? Oh yeah duh. I actually looked at my uniform to remind myself. Holy shit they just announced my name. People actually cheered for me. I almost wasn't expecting that. It's so weird but good at the same time to hear my name announced like that and to know that people are giving a shit about me. Here I go… Wow. I can't believe this. They're actually giving me a standing ovation right now. I… Wow. I'm so happy right now. I think I just felt a couple tears roll down my face. But for once these are happy tears. That hasn't happened in a really long time. I don't even remember when I last had tears like this. Crying because I'm happy? That's almost unheard of for me. Alright the game is going to start now. This is the moment I've been waiting for all day.

Well I'm just sitting here on the sideline watching them play right now. Look at them! They're fucking animals! Just ramming and bashing the hell out of each other. It's so loud in here with all the metal on metal and all the voices of the people in the stands and the guys in the game. I still can't believe any of this is happening. I must be dreaming. I'm not dreaming! When am I going out there? I don't want to just sit here and watch from the sidelines. I want to get out there! Oh man I feel like I'm going to piss myself from the excitement. So I have to control myself. Ok here I go now. It's my time at last. I don't think I really prepared myself for this moment. Holy shit! They're really beating the shit out of me with their chairs. I can really tell that they've been doing this for a while. So I've got to prove myself to them. Ah fuck! The bastard just knocked me out of my chair. I heard a whistle. Ok they paused the game so I can get back into my chair. I really wasn't expecting that. I'm not hurt though. Which is good. But I'll probably feel hurt from this tomorrow. I don't care. I'm having too much fun to care about getting hurt. The adrenaline is really flowing through me right now. I don't know why I waited so long to do this. Well if I knew about this sooner I'd be out here playing this game like as soon as I got used to being in my wheelchair. I know now that I definitely wasted my time feeling sorry for myself that whole time. I really want to kick my own ass for how I was acting before. I'm so happy and having so much fun right now that I don't want this to ever end.

Listen to them. They're all cheering for me. They're all happy for me. Well I know they're not cheering for just me. They're cheering for everyone who's playing in this game. But it still feels real good to hear all of it. I am hearing my name a lot though. Of course it's not the only name I hear but they're still calling my name. I'm having so much fun. Look at Missy in the stands. She looks so proud. This is so amazing. Am I sure this isn't a dream? I'll probably wake up any minute now. I'll be so bummed if this was all just a dream. It's not! This is actually happening right now. I'm even happier now. This is the biggest rush I've ever had. Please don't let this end. My face is starting to hurt from smiling so much. But that will be the least of the pain I'll surely be feeling once this is all over. But I don't care about the pain. Actually I welcome it. Bring on all the pain! I love this so much. I never dreamt that I would ever be interested in doing any other sport than skateboarding. But now I think I'm a two sport man. I'll always love skateboarding; there's no doubt about that. But quad rugby is so much fun and I'm more than glad that I got involved with it. Of course it wouldn't make much sense if I continued to play it if I wasn't paralyzed any more. Don't get me wrong, I'd still give anything to be able to walk again. But in the meantime I'm going to play this sport as much as possible.

Oh man the game's over already! That went by so fast. It's hard to believe that it's over already. I've had the most fun ever. The rest of the guys are surrounding me now. It's just a massive wheelchair paralyzed dog pile on me right now! I've never laughed so hard before. I can't breathe but in a good way. Oh here's Missy. Shit she's giving me the biggest fucking hug ever. I don't even think my team won but I don't care about that. I feel sweaty and bloody. Ew. Well I'll just take a nice hot shower when I get home.

Ah yes a shower. That sounds real good right about now. I'd love to just sit there and let the water run on me for a while. I'd feel like I was washing away all of my old wounds. But these new wounds I don't want to wash away. I truly earned these wounds. They're my new badges of honor. Just like the ones I would get from trying to nail a new trick on the skateboard. I think that after my shower I'll crawl into bed and just relax. I could use a night where I wasn't angry as hell or crying myself to sleep. And tonight is that night where I get actual good sleep where I wake up feeling refreshed and ready to face the new day. After a day like today I'm more than ready and deserving of that. Shower and bed here I come. I'm definitely going to sleep well tonight. That sounds really sweet. It's all that I need.


	11. Agony

The past few months have gone by so fast that I almost can't believe it. Sometimes I feel like I have to stop long enough to remind myself what I've been doing lately. I've been working hard and having a lot of fun by keeping myself occupied with my new favorite pastime; quad rugby. Every game that I've played in since I started playing this sport has felt like a dream to me. I've literally asked people to pinch me so I would know that it was actually happening. Whenever I come home from a practice or game I am so exhausted and sore that all I can do is lie there. But I love that. I'm proud of myself though. No matter how sore I am afterwards I don't take any painkillers. Well I took a painkiller once to help me sleep but other than that I haven't taken any. And there has been many times where my entire body felt like it was just burning from the pain but I have been able to withstand the pain enough to where I didn't need to take anything for it.

I've just been in a whirlwind lately. And it's all because of the quad rugby. If someone was to tell me like 10 years ago that I was going to get in a paralyzing accident and then wind up on a paraplegic sports team instead of skateboarding, I would have laughed in their face. But now that I am on this team and I'm getting all this exorcise I wouldn't trade it for the world. I'm never going to stay in bed feeling sorry for myself again because I know now that whatever bad situation I'm in I can turn it around and make it beneficial for me. I'm not out of the woods yet since I'm still in the wheelchair, but I no longer let it bother me.

Man I'm so exhausted right now. That was one hell of a practice. Ew I'm so sweaty. But I'm too sore to get in the shower. I'll just change my clothes and go to bed. I'll probably fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow. Oh man there are so many new bruises and bumps on my body right now but I don't care. I've actually gotten used to it. I can barely take my shirt off. I can't even bother with tossing it in the laundry basket. So it'll stay there on the floor until Missy picks it up. She is not going to like having to wash these clothes. Oh well. Ah… bed. It feels so good to be lying down. I worked really hard today in practice. I feel so… ow. All I want to do now is sleep. That sounds like the best thing in the world to me. Yeah… this is nice and cozy. It seems different though. Hmm… Missy must have changed the sheets. The thing is if I say something to her about it she'll be like oh I changed them a week ago why didn't you notice until now? Well… cause something like you changing the sheets isn't important to me. Even though it's what I've been thinking about for the past minute. I'm soooooooooo tired. I really think I'm going to sleep well.

Oh what the hell? My leg feels funny. I got woken up by my leg. Why? What time is it? Oh… oh God… That's not normal. Why does it feel like that? It's not getting any better. No… no! It just got worse. It's like the worst feeling of pins and needles I have ever felt. Oh what now? Ugh. I can't get my leg to stay still and be comfortable. Is Missy around? I feel really restless especially in my leg. Why does it have to feel like that? I hate this. I just want to get back to sleep but my leg won't let me. What the hell is going on? Oh there's Missy.

"Bam you couldn't put your nasty clothes in the basket?" Oh man…. "What's wrong?"

"I don't know. It's my leg."

"What about it?"

"It feels so weird."

"Weird like how?"

"I can't explain the feeling." I really can't. "Well just try to get some sleep any way."

Ugh. I've been trying. It won't let me sleep. If you had my idea how it felt right now you would know why I can't sleep.

"Babe do you think you could at least stop moving?"

"No. I can't help it. I just can't get my leg comfortable."

"Try to relax, babe."

Whatever. Try to relax. Yeah right. Ok I'll just do that. Here I go now. Stupid leg. Why won't you just lie still? No. Still. Ugh. Damn it.

I guess I fell asleep. But here I am awake again. Well I guess it's going to do me no good trying to sleep if I'm going to just keep waking up like this. All because of my stupid leg. God damn you leg! Why does it still have to feel funny? Oh… oh man. What the hell? OW! God damn fuck! That seriously kills! Where the hell did all this pain suddenly come from?! Holy shit! Oh my God oh my God oh my God ow that fucking hurts so bad! I feel like I'm going to cry. Why does it have to hurt so much? That's the worst fucking pain I ever felt!

"Miss. Misssy!"

"Oh what is it?"

"My leg really hurts!" Man I'm crying. Oh fuck I don't care! "Could you get me something for the pain? Please!"

"Alright, alright. I'll be right back babe."

"It hurts!"

"I know! Jeezze I'll only be a minute…"

Oh God I can't take this. It hurts way too fucking much. Please just hurry the fuck up with those fucking painkillers. I think I need the whole bottle for all this pain. What caused all this fucking pain? I don't remember even doing anything to hurt it, at least not this much!

"Here you go babe. Can you sit up by yourself?"

"I think so…" I'm still crying

There I'm sitting up. I managed to handle that alright. Man I hope this pill kicks in soon. God please take this pain away! Or at least knock me out so I won't have to be awake to feel it. I don't think I even cried this much from being hurt before. This pain really snuck up on me too.

"Um… babe?"

"What?"

"You said your leg hurts, right?" Is she fucking kidding me?! "Which leg hurts you exactly?"

"This one! Which one did you think was hurting? Couldn't you tell by the one I was holding this whole time?!"

"Is that the one that's been paralyzed this whole time?" What?

"Um… yeah…" Holy shit…

I've been in so much pain this whole time that it didn't dawn on me… OW! Still fucking hurts. But it's not supposed to hurt! It's not supposed to feeling anything! I'm not supposed to even be able to move it but I've been moving it for a while now! My God… Holy fucking shit! My leg… This can't be fucking happening. How the hell is this happening? Oh God why did this have to be the first thing I had to feel in my leg? I'd be ecstatic that I can feel my leg if it didn't fucking hurt so God damn much! She's hugging me. Why is she hugging me? Oh God did you have to yell in my ear like that? Jeeze… stop being so excited. Ok I get it, you're happy for me. I'm not feeling happy right now. I won't be happy until this painkiller kicks in. And maybe then I'm able to finally get some sleep. Oh fuck when is this pain going to go away? Missy please get away from me. I'll be excited later I swear. I think the pill is starting to kick in already. But I might need another one. Right now I just want to sleep. But I can't 'cause of my fucking leg. I'd rather have that weird tingly feeling from before. Hell I'd take that over this any day. What did Missy do with the painkillers? Did she just bring me one pill? Fuck… I need another one just to help me get to sleep. I am not going to be in a good mood tomorrow especially if this pain continues.


	12. Getting Better and memories

I'm tired. Really tired. And I hurt. I've been through physical therapy before but not nearly like this. I have to pretty much learn how to walk all over again. And it's really painful. Physical therapy sucks no matter what but it's never taken this much out of me before. My leg still hurts a lot throughout the day, even on the days I don't have therapy. But it hasn't hurt like it did that one night. That was beyond pain. What gets me is the fact that I didn't realize that it was my right leg. I really felt like the biggest idiot when it dawned on me. But I've been trying so hard not to take any painkillers more than what I would need to. But sometimes it's hard to tell if I actually need to take them or if I just want to take them because it's just what I would normally do. Although the whole time I was paralyzed I kept myself from taking something for my back. But now because I can feel my leg I've been taking something instead of letting myself suffer. It's all my leg's fault. If it didn't have to hurt so much I wouldn't have to worry about the painkillers! Shit…

I hate physical therapy. I hate it! I wish I could just walk again without having to go through any of this bullshit. There shouldn't be any asshole problems for me. But I have to go through the damn therapy. I need to be able to get stronger. But it's so fucking hard. I'll admit it the first few sessions I cried during. A couple times I cried afterwards. I can't help it. Those fuckers push me so far. Sometimes I feel like my legs are going to break. I'm surprised they haven't.

Might as well get in the shower before I lie down. I'm more exhausted now than I would be if I had come home from a quad rugby practice or game. The team really worked me hard but it was also fun. The therapy is just hard. I'm too tired right now to try to walk with the crutches they gave me. Almost too tired to move myself around in the wheelchair. All I want to do is just sit here. That feels good. Just sitting here and rubbing my legs. My muscles haven't gotten a good workout like this in a while. My legs still get really itchy on top of being sore. So itchy. And throbbing. Suck so much to have to sit here and scratch my legs all over like crazy. But the itchiness shouldn't last long. My legs just have to get used to moving around and having blood flowing through them like this. Ugh. I hate that throbbing feeling. All I want to do is rest but my legs keep moving on the inside. But at least I can feel my legs again. Thank God for that. I just wish I didn't have to go through all this therapy bullshit. Fuck therapy. Fuck my therapist.

What was I doing? Oh yeah shower. Do I really want to stand up for this? Well it's still set up for me to be able to take showers sitting down. Sweet. I'll sit down. I'll just take a quick one any way. Just to rinse the sweat off of me. Ok get out of here wheelchair. Well no, don't. I'll still need you after my shower. Just stay right there until I need you. Why am I talking to a wheelchair? Ah yeah fuck yeah. The water feels so good on me right now. Nice and hot to relax my muscles. I'm glad I don't have to go to therapy tomorrow. I need the day to rest up. Hell I feel like I need a couple days to rest. I don't think I even took a painkiller today. Actually I didn't even take one yesterday. Now that I think about it I haven't needed to take anything for pain the last couple therapy sessions I had. I just didn't hurt. I mean I was sore but it was very bearable. Hmm… Oh well.

Yeah that shower was real nice. Now all I got to do is dry off, get some clothes on and get into bed. I really deserve a nap right now. Missy just better not come in to bother me. I don't even want the cats wandering in there. I'll even leave my phone outside of the room so it won't bother me. It's been a while since I've been able to just shut the whole world out and relax. I mean without having to deal with depression as well. Yeah this is great. I love being able to get into bed… normally again. It sucked having to fight against a dead leg all the time. Oh this bed seems so much more comfortable after working my ass off like that. I can just go to sleep right now.

Oh shit. What the hell is going on? So familiar. So very familiar. I lived this all before. No… this was my accident. I just don't understand what's happening right now. Nothing makes any sense. It all seems really fuzzy. The people are nice and clear though. It's just the scenery that's fuzzy. Kind of like I just woke up after being passed out. Ugh. Am I on the ground? No wait I'm sitting. Who's talking to me? Oh that's Tim O'Connor. He's talking to me but it's not making any sense to me. You want to skate now? Ok cool I'll skate. Wait. Don't do this! Don't skate Bam! I can't stop what already happened. But what happened? Well let's just play this out. So far I know that Tim and I were sitting on like a curb talking and then he suggested that we do some street skating. So here we are. This doesn't seem so bad. Actually it's quite nice. Look at Tim over there, laughing and skating. What is he laughing at? What a nidiot. Ha ha! That dumbass fell off his board. Good thing he's ok and laughing about how much an idiot he was for falling. Cause that was funny. He just fell for no reason! This is really nice to be out here just skating through the street with one of my buddies. It seems so oldschool. So… basic. You don't always need all those fancy ramp tricks to have a good skate sesh. Feels really good to be doing this very basic no thrills skating. Wow. I'm having so much fun. But since I know I already lived this moment I have this bad feeling inside of me. I know I'm going to have my accident. I don't know what happened or why it happened. I at least know a little bit more about my accident now. Something's going to happen to me any moment now. I want this to be over. I know I'm dreaming this so I have to wake up now. Please? I just don't want to see what happens next any more. Now there's Tim behind me. He's saying something to me. What's he saying? Why does he look like that? What? Wait… he isn't skating any more and on the curb. He looks almost scared. What's going on? What's that sound? I wish I knew what Tim was saying to me because it sounds very urgent. Everything is fading away now. Fuck!

Wow. I hate waking up like this. All sweaty and panting. Why can't I have these memories during the day when I'm awake? That one was so weird. There was a lot more to that one than the others. Something makes me not want to find out what happened. Shit. Why was Tim looking at me like that and what was he yelling to me? I think maybe he was the one who told me to "watch out" since he was the only other one around me. He has to be. I can't sit here and think about this any more. I have to get to sleep. Or back to sleep rather. What time is it? Ugh why does Missy keep moving the clock? That's so annoying. I don't think I'm going to get to sleep now. What the fuck happened after Tim told me to watch out? Watch out for what? I can't stop thinking about this. Watch out… watch out… watch out… What did I have to watch out for? Those two words are so damn confusing to me. Wait. There were other sounds. Familiar sounds. Sounds I've heard a million times before. The fuck? Oh shit…

"It was a truck!"

"Babe? What's the matter?" Oops. Didn't mean to wake her up

"It was a truck…"

"What was a truck? What are you talking about?"

"Missy do you know anything about my accident?"

"I know basically what happened but I wasn't there. Why?"

"What do you remember?"

"Bam I'm tired. Can this wait for the morning?"

"I can't sleep until I make sense of this."

"Alright. I'll stay up with you." Good.

Ok think Bam. It shouldn't be this hard. What's the deal with the truck?

"Oh wow…. I-I was skating with Tim O'Connor in the street and he told me to watch out for something. It was a truck! A truck."

"Babe…"

Oh my God. Oh shit. "I got hit by a truck from behind. You'd think that I would remember something like that but this whole time… all those months of being paralyzed I couldn't remember why I was paralyzed. But why?"

Why is she frowning like that? This can't be good. I hate when she looks at me like that but this time it's giving me a really bad feeling in my stomach. She knows something about my accident that she doesn't want to tell me.

"What's the matter?" I feel like I'm going to cry. Or throw up. But I don't know why I should feel this way.

"Bam please don't worry about this right now."

"But I can't sleep until I know."

"Know what? You already remembered what happened. What is there left to know?"

"I don't know… I just feel like there's still something I can't remember for some reason."

"Babe. Just go back to sleep."

I can't. How do I sleep through this? I wish I could remember the rest. My accident couldn't have just ended with the truck hitting me. Where did the truck go after I got hit? Who hit me? It doesn't make any sense. Maybe Missy's right, I should just go back to sleep. This is going to be really hard though. You know what? Fuck sleep. I have to know what happened and I have to know now Where's my phone? Great. Ok dialed the number… Come on you better pick up. I don't care if you're trying to sleep or whatever you may be doing. This is important to me.

"Tim… it's Bam. I need to know something." You just better have the answer. If you don't then I won't know what to do. "Yeah I know I was hit by a truck. Well I knew that for the past few minutes now. But what I need you to tell me is what happened after I was hit?"

Please Tim. You have to help me here. It'll drive me crazy if I don't know what happened that day.

"You sure you want to know?" Ahh! Yes! I wouldn't have called you in the middle of the night if I didn't want to know.

"Tim please this is very important. You're the rest of my memory about this." What's with the pause? That's almost as bad as the look Missy gave me.

"It was a hit and run. But from what we found out… it was no accident."

What? Are you… What? Someone hit me on purpose? Who would do that to me? Why? What did I do?"

"Bam… I'm sorry but… it was this person's attempt at killing you. We didn't want to tell you because of what you were already going through. We didn't know how you'd be able to handle it."

"W-what?! Who… why? Oh my God…" I'm about to cry. Shit. "Someone wanted to kill me?!"

"Bam try to calm down." How can I calm down?

"I don't understand…" Here's the tears now "W-why? Tim… who did this to me?"

"We did find out who it was and um… he had Bam paraphernalia everywhere in his truck. He was one of your fans. That might not make sense but think about it. The guy who shot John Lennon was supposedly a big fan of his. The woman who killed that Selena chick, was the president of her fan club." Why is he telling me this? Is he trying to make me feel better?

"I don't understand… why would this guy do this to me? Why would anyone do this to me? Why, Tim?" I'm starting to cry harder now.

"Bam I wish I knew what to tell you. I'm sorry."

My God… why? It just doesn't make sense… why would someone want to kill me? Why would someone like me that much but still want to kill me? Was it something that I've done? I just don't understand.


	13. New Man

I am still pretty shocked and upset over what Tim told me. It's so… bizarre to think that I could have lost my life because of a fan. A fan tried to kill me. It's still hard for me to warp my brain around it. At first I wasn't very emotional over it. But I… well I broke down not too long ago. I couldn't help it. I'm not even sure what brought it on. All I know is I started crying and someone had me sit in my wheelchair. Shit… I can feel more tears coming on right now. I hate fucking crying. God… This isn't fair…. This isn't fucking fair. I hate that I had to go through all this, being paralyzed, having to be fucking stuck in that asshole wheelchair, going through every damn emotion every single day… fucking depression… suicide attempts… because a fucking fan wanted to kill me! FUCK! Fuck… My God… I can't take this.

Maybe I should do that guy a favor. He tried to kill me and failed. I should kill myself for him. Oh God why? Shit… I'm supposed to go to therapy. But I don't want to go. I'm way too upset. God I can't stop crying now. What's going on? No… please don't make me get up. Not now. I can't. Fuck therapy. I don't see why I should go. Not after this. Fuck… fucking tears… Where's my wheelchair? I don't want to walk anymore. I'll just live in a wheelchair the rest of my life. I'll burn all of my skatedecks. I'll burn all my ramps. I don't want my old life any more. I don't even want to be involved with Jackass any more. I don't want to be famous. If it caused me to have fans, I don't want it. I don't want anyone to know me. If I wasn't famous then this would have never happened to me.

"Get away from me!"

"Babe we have to go."

"I don't care! I'm not going!"

"You have to go to therapy if you want to get better and be able to walk…"

"I'm not going! I don't care about walking!"

"Are you just going to stay in the wheelchair for the rest of your life?"

"Yes! Yes… I don't want to go, please…. I give up. I don't want to walk anymore. I just don't care…"

"Babe…"

"Leave me alone."

"Well if that's the way you want it"

Hmm… she walked away. Maybe now I can sit here and cry in peace. Would I be that lucky? God why do I have to be like this? Why do I have to cry so much? Every fucking time I'm a little bit upset any more I start crying like a little baby. I'm so sick of myself.

I'm feeling a lot better now that I've calmed down. Still don't want to be here at therapy but I am. I hate therapy so much. But I have to do it. It's a good thing I'm just about done. Ugh I hate these fucking bar things. They're making me walk in-between these two bars to see how well I balance I guess. I can walk just fine with my crutches so to me this part is kind of pointless. I haven't even been using my wheelchair to get around anymore. I don't really need it but Missy thought it was a good idea to keep it around for, well, "just in case". I use it mainly if I'm really tired from walking or if I'm just lazy. I think Missy caught on to that one though. But I still do it. Can this therapy session be over now? I want to go home. How long have I been here? Only five asshole minutes? You've got to be kidding me. That clock must be really fucking slow because I feel like I've been here forever. Damn it. That means I have to be here a lot longer.

Fuck! I just realized I wouldn't be able to go home after this. I have another therapy session. Missy thought it would be a good idea for me to speak to a therapist to help with the emotional part of my recovery. Whatever. I guess I'll go to make her happy. Even though I don't know if this will even help me or if I even really need it. Ok maybe I do need help with being overemotional. But do I really need therapy for that? Why can't I just stay home and like talk to family and friends instead of going to see a doctor? Oh well. I guess it might be worth a try. I suppose. I mean… it couldn't hurt. Right?

I swear I'm going to get that filthy bastard who put me through all of this. I know I was told that they arrested him and he's been sitting in jail for it. But I feel like I need to see him face to face. Maybe it'll help me to feel better if I give him a piece of my mind. I just want to see the look on his face when I walk in there. That will be priceless. Yeah I can't wait for that. But I'll have to. Shit. Well it will sure be worth it. I would love to kick his ass but my lawyers say I shouldn't. Fucking lawyers. They're always telling me that the things that I want to do is bad. As much as I don't want to, I have to listen to them. Otherwise I'd probably be getting sued left and right, especially if I get it all caught on tape. And that would cause me to become broker than a joke. Well I guess I can't always do whatever I want.

Thank God this therapy session is over. I couldn't stand another minute of it. I'm still pretty upset that I even had to go to begin with. But the therapist told me that the next session should be my last. It's about fucking time. But now I have to go to my other therapy. This sucks. I just want to go home. I guess I have to get this over with. Shit. Whatever. Is Missy just going to drop me off? I hope not. I wish I had my own car. That way I could go wherever I want afterwards. But some reason Missy thought I wouldn't even go to the therapy session. What? She can't trust me? Oh well I'm here now.

I hate talking to doctors. It doesn't matter what kind of doctor it is or how many times I've seen them, I still hate talking to them. I don't know how this time could be any different. Well I kind of feel nervous right now. I don't exactly know why that is either. Maybe it's because I never did this before. I don't even know what to expect. Do I have to lie down on a couch? I don't know if I'll feel comfortable about that. Well I wouldn't really feel all that comfortable sitting up either. If I could do this at home then I would be fine. Oh man I hope this guy doesn't want to talk about how much I love or hate my mom. What's the point of that? Whatever. I'll talk about whatever I want to talk about. Well I just don't want to talk about anything right now. Thinking about it is making me much more nervous. I feel like I need something to do right now. When I'm in front of the camera I'm fine. But times like this make me really uncomfortable. People don't seem to understand how a person like me can have such a hard time talking to people. But I do. I try not to let it be known as much as I can but people are still like, Bam why are you being so quiet? I don't know. I just am.

Ok I'm sitting here in front of the doctor. Now what? How is this going to work? I wish I was home right now. This is the last place I want to be. Can we be done yet? Fuck. I guess I have to stick this out.

I was so out of my element in that therapy session. I don't think I even felt that uncomfortable before. At first. But I have to admit that after a little bit I felt more at ease and I was able to open up. I'm actually glad now that I went. This therapy just might help me. Of course I only had one session. It felt good to be able to talk to someone. I mean someone who doesn't know me, that didn't make me feel like they were judging me, or someone who was just talking to me because of who I am. I didn't even get asked for my autograph. That was great. I feel good now. When's my next session? I better put it down in my schedule while I'm thinking about it. I can't believe that I'm actually looking forward for it. That's something I never saw myself doing before. Well I mean doing it and liking it I should say. But here I am going through it. And, well, I have a smile on my face right now. I don't know why I didn't do this sooner. It could have helped me with a lot of that shit I was going through. Maybe even prevented a lot of it.

Well I've been in therapy for the past few weeks now and I really enjoy it. I never thought I would enjoy something like this. I'm really glad Missy talked me into going. It's really helped me to sort all my thoughts out. I don't feel nearly as emotional as I was before. Feel more like myself. Actually every day I feel a little more like myself. I really am able to think much more clearly now. Even though I would still like to be able to give that asshole a piece of my mind, I am not as bothered by it at all any more. He's the one with the problem, not me. Why should I care what he thinks about me especially if he's sitting in jail? Missy told me that I'm not a big ol' basket case any more. She even told me about just how bad I was for a while there. I mean I know I was bad but after hearing how I was from her point of view I can't believe I was that total mess of a guy. Even though I'm still going through therapy, I am very glad that all of that is over with. I feel like after that whole ordeal I can handle anything. I feel ready to live the rest of my life. I feel like a new man.


End file.
